There is a book you might find a few ideas in, The Secret Language of Eating Disorders, by Peggy Claude-Pierre. Her theory is that eating disorders involve what she calls the "negative mind" and the way it makes suggestions and bosses around the "true self," not allowing the victim to eat and take care of themself, while insisting on harmful things like bulimic behaviors and excessive exercise. Maybe there is something to it - those compulsions to do harmful things (and I think that other maladaptive behaviors are not significantly different) have to come from somewhere, don't they?

You have been very honest with us here. I worry about you and your health, but I don't think less of you, and I hope that you don't feel embarassed. It is important to tell your doctors and therapists these things too. They might be able to guess at some of it, but they can't read your mind, and even though you give them hints, they still need you to tell them. The need to keep part of the truth to yourself also goes back to that "negative mind" thing. But you don't want the "negative mind" to win, so you need to be honest about what is going on and let someone help you. It's important for you and also for your kids.

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<font color=orange>"If we are going to insist that people pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, we must ensure that they have boots."</font color=orange>