just got home from therapy, and i feel like my head is spinning. we spent the ENTIRE session talking about all of this. i brought it up first thing (whereas normally i'd stall and/or fill her in about other stuff) and i kept looking at the clock like, "wow, we really aren't going to get to anything else!" it felt like kind of a waste of a session in that sense, or at least totally different from what i'm used to.

i told her all i had been feeling about cutting back, her not caring, my confusion about the single case agreement (SCA), etc. she just sort of sat there and didn't respond. finally, she said, "what does this remind you of?" (as in, from my past) and i told her i didn't know. (internally, i was thinking, "this reminds me of the current situation!" )

she let me talk some more, and then i stopped and waited for some sort of response from her. first she said that she didn't realize the SCA was still an option (even though i emailed her about it and talked about it in session) and that it wasn't much work for her and that she'd be willing to do it. then we started talking about all the finances, and she got pen and paper. she started writing down what i used to pay, what the insurance used to pay, what i currently pay, what the insurance currently pays, and so on. the odd thing is that i KNOW she doesn't offer sliding scale (to anyone), but i was starting to get nervous that she was going to offer it to me. i could just feel it coming. and then she did! i got really uncomfortable all of a sudden, and didn't know what to say. basically, she was asking me what i could afford per month, and then was working out the numbers to meet that amount. we talked about it some more, and i said things like "but then you'd be missing $17 from me each session" or "i feel bad that you're doing me this big favor." she said (somewhat harshly), "don't worry about the $17, i'm doing this so therapy is affordable to you!" then she said, "i wouldn't offer this if i wasn't comfortable with it. i'm totally comfortable with this, or else i wouldn't do it. you need to trust me on that." i just kept saying, "ok.. ok.."

i told her that the only way i'd be comfortable taking a discount is if we kept track of that discounted amount and then i sort of trailed off. she said, "so what if you win the lottery you can pay it off?" with a big smile and i said, "yeah, that." she was being nice and trying to make light of it since i was obviously uncomfortable, but i felt like there was so much i wanted to say that i wasn't saying. somehow, we decided that i'd look further into the SCA and if that didn't pan out that she and i would work something else out. she said, "the therapy comes first. it's not about the money, that's not what's important to me. we have a relationship, and i want to do everything i can to preserve that."

all of this was surprising to hear, as i've often wondered if she's in it for the money. i can't say why exactly, but i've always gotten the vibe from her that the money is the most important thing. anyway, the time was up and she asked if i was ok considering that i walked in and said i had a lot to talk about, and then we just talked about this. she said she wanted to take a few minutes to check in and make sure i was ok walking out. i told her i was fine (really, i couldn't think much at that point - i felt like i had so much to process) and then we did some scheduling stuff (like adding appointments on the "off" weeks). through all of this (like the last 5 minutes) we just kept staring at each other intently. i don't know why, but i felt it important to look at her, and she "matched" me in doing that. she's SO incredibly beautiful <sigh>. it was so intense. at one point though, she asked if i was ok and said that i had a funny look on my face

we stood up and i didn't think we'd hug as i've been sick this past week. she knew i wasn't contagious, but in the past when either of us is sick no matter what - we don't hug. so we were standing there, looking at each other, and i said, "is it ok if we hug?" and she said, "yes! of course!!" and moved into my space and hugged me. it felt good. we had a nice goodbye at the door and i left. then she called me a few minutes later to ask what she should do with my check. it was funny because she was like, "hey seventyeight, what do you want me to do with this?" all casual and stuff. the whole session felt so casual.

also, she's been wearing this awesome perfume (i think) the past couple of sessions and i can just slightly smell it when i'm there. it smells really masculine (like this men's hair product i used to use, actually!), and i can smell it a tiny bit now on my clothes. it's a really sexy smell, and i'm not sure what to do with that

anyway! i just wanted to fill in those of you that have been following along. thanks for reading.

also, for those of you that are on a sliding scale, how is that working out for you? i foresee feeling guilty anytime i spend money on say a shirt, like i shouldn't be doing that because i'm getting therapy at a discounted rate. can anyone relate?