Your explanation seems accurate, Quiz. I am always feeling inadequate: financially, intellectually, academically, professionally, socially, etc., and consequently I am forever pressuring myself to be the best in an endless cycle of self-destructive learning. Whenever I tell people that I have absolutely no knowledge on common subjects (ex. movies, cartoons, stories, etc.), they find it funny, but the reality of that is because I force myself to study, learn, and be smart that I rarely have allowed myself time to relax and to have some entertainment.

Yes, I am active in the community and several organizations, and while it helps, I still struggle with an almost constant feeling of unworthiness. Much of what I do is connected to politics and policy, hence I attend numerous rallies, speeches, and conferences, and I am also a regular blood donor. Last Tuesday, I was at a hotel in the city and had my photo taken with an international activist and author, which was exciting.

Indeed it is devastating to fail repeatedly at something when that is all there is to me, whoswho. Your issue with looks is similar to mine; when I was a child, I was beaten and abused daily, even had my life threatened, for making mistakes, and I was horribly bullied by students and staff alike for being developmentally disabled and for poor scores. Child services was involved once when I told a teacher that I would be "beaten" if I went home with the test score I had, and it's true, I would have been. People spit in my face (literally) for academic scores.

I concluded as a child that if I was more like the "smart" students than I would be liked and accepted. Both appearance and social skills aren't positive qualities of mine: I abhor my body, with crooked teeth and a skin disorder, and I have almost never had friends in real life.

When I became a high school student I was definitely angry and alienated. I was on a mission to be perfect and wouldn't stop or slow down until I was, because I was tired of being treated as inferior and like a failure. People have always respected me for achievements and nothing else. When I was in the 8th grade, I was in remedial math, but when I reached high school, out of determination and frustration, I finished with almost a 100% grade and completed the final exam with a 102% score. Later, I would be a grade ahead of my peers in mathematics, having completed a history class before my peers and opted to start an extra mathematics course instead of having a free period. Additionally, when I started to do more competitive chess and when I was earning numerous awards in geography, people respected me. I would undoubtedly challenge and correct my teachers if they made a mistake, especially in geography.

People respect academic and intellectual achievements, and since I really don't have any other redeeming qualities, it is paramount that I am successful and intelligent.

I have encountered difficulties with relationships because it doesn't make sense to me that someone can actually like me for who I am - what is there to like?

Whoswho, you say that a lot of those people who are just ridiculously good at everything are jerks, but even if that is true, many of them have relationships. In fact being a jerk seems like an asset for a man to build a relationship with a woman, because the amount of women that are attracted to jerks is innumerable.

I would like to be a) successful (i.e. not a failure), and b) to have a loving relationship, neither of which I am confident about. If I was less of a failure than I would be loved.

Wow - aren't I a mess? Maybe there is nothing that can be done to fix me. I feel like a lost cause every waking second of my life.