Quote:
Originally Posted by Antimatter
I am a failure at work. I cant do the most mundane tasks. My behavior is not like me. Someone there was a ***** about my odd behavior. I told T I was having major dificulties at work. I am so afraid but I dont matter. How do I tell people that something is wrong with me, that my brain is to ceasing to function and that it is alarming and not have them thnk it is bec. I am crazy? I am a new kind of crazy, as in I remember doing something odd for my behavior which I was unaware that I was breaking this social skill. I feel ridiculed every freaking day and I have NO control over being incompetent. I cant remind myself to do better, it doesn't help. I ****ing hate people at work. I hate being on called on everything I do wrong, I hate myzelf. I need a brain scan or something. Sometbing has changed.  HELP ME PLEASE! |
Anti, I won't argue with your assessment of how you're doing because I don't actually know, but I just want to say that it's very possible you're not doing as badly as you think you are. I say this as someone who tends to demand way too much from herself, so I can often feel like I'm failing even if I am failing at a set of tasks that is way above what's necessary or sufficient. I do get it though -- I fell behind at work in September, and my record of everything I did that month looks like a barren wasteland.
Do you have any allies at work? Anyone you can trust, just to tell them that you're going through some personal stuff right now that you don't want to disclose, but really need some understanding on? Sometimes just knowing that someone else knows why you're having a hard time, and that it's NOT because you suck or are incompetent but rather are really struggling emotionally at the moment.
I actually ended up telling MY BOSS about my recent semi-termination (yes, semi, we are kind of talking again, at least trying to sort through things even if it results in full termination), which is something I never in a million years thought I would do. However, my boss is actually a psychiatrist, so for one, he doesn't have that negative and biased attitude that some people have toward therapy/depression/meds that others with less empathy or relevant knowledge do. Secondly, he was the one who noticed that something was wrong. When he asked, I talked about other things that were going on in my life but I knew he wasn't buying it -- I've seen enough shrinks to know when I'm not leaving a room until I say what's really going on -- so I just told him. And he's been very supportive and kind, and has never ever used it against me -- nor did he lower his expectations or take it easier on me, which I would almost have disliked more!
I do realize that that is a really exceptional case, but sometimes you really can be surprised by who shows support and how much. If you don't have that person, is there a candidate for "work buddy" with whom you might direct a little energy into cultivating a got-your-back relationship?