So I told G about D. He was very happy for me. He sees (he cannot not see it) that I lead a very austere existence so he was happy to learn that I would have a break from it during Christmas, that I would go back to Europe, where I have friends, a guy, and a favorite former teacher; he was equally happy to learn that I plan an event-packed schedule complete with plays and art exhibitions. (In terms of event-packed - it took a month of constant nagging to get D's commitment to start buying theather and concert tickets; I made all his plane and hotel reservations in the US without a single repeat request, by contrast)

And now I want complete symmetry. Now that I have seen what support means and how it feels to receive support, I want support from D. And not "lack of jealousy" but true 100% support. I want to tell him about G and I want him to feel relieved that I finally am not completely alone in the Bay Area, that there is someone who cares about me here. And if he is unable to feel that way, then his friendship is meaningless. Is that too much to ask of him?

More about symmetry. If he all of sudden mended the r/s with his wife, I would have supported him all along because I think it would have been good for him not to be alone. Is it fair to expect the same amount of support in return? I have not in reality provided that support, but only because the right opportunity has not presented itself; I am always available.

In my struggle to rebuild a r/s with my adult son, D washed his hands right away while G is being supportive. So I am learning (I think by 42 it is time to learn that skill and, in general, earlier is advisable) to measure guys not by their length but by the amount of support they are able and willing to give.

When D experienced a minor public disgrace, I provided ample consolation. Again, in my situation with my son which is much, much worse, he is unable or unwilling to provide any support. So everything is asymmetrical/unfair.

So that is how I feel right now and I feel that I am justified and I certainly am not going to pretend anything. So no STD testing for me.

The only thing, out of fairness to D, perhaps I should let him know a bit in advance rather than start this conversation when he has an erection a propos of the need to use condoms. Condoms, sure, are necessary, but what this really is about is support for my choices.

I understand sexual possessiveness when you live together and are able to meet your partner's needs. I was like that myself when I was three years old. I pushed a girl who wanted to kiss the boy I considered mine, and said that I would be kissing the boy instead. But at least I was there to kiss the boy - I did not deprive the boy of his chance to be kissed! When you do not live on the same continent and cannot physically meet your partner's needs, how can you claim exclusivity? Moreover, he is unwilling to meet even those needs that CAN be met remotely - I told him by email that I had stopped eating and drinking due to anxiety and he did not even acknowledge it. Wonderful, someone who (occasionally) claims to love me and a p-doc to boot does not acknowledge that I have developed a severe problem! And what totally bewilders me - he has never asked me if my orgasms have returned. He is a p-doc, he knows I was going to swap Geodon for Abilify, he should know that sexual side effects go away within weeks, it has been many weeks since... he does not ask. To not care about something so important for the person you (occasionally) claim to love?? Or is he too shy to ask this question? But if he is too shy to ask this question, he should be delicensed by his medical board, I think. A licensed p-doc ought to be able to ask this question.

Am I expecting too much of him?

More... G told me a couple of times that besides correct medications and sexual life and exercise I need a creative outlet for mental wellness. And... I listened and remembered that I once went to an art class in our community art school and made a bead necklace, and it was a really good necklace and it I enjoyed the process. Luckily, I live right by a huge beading store! So that would be my creative outlet! I decided to start with a necklace for the midwife's youngest daughter (since the idea came from G, that seemed natural) and then made a mental list of women I could give a necklace to as a present in Europe this winter, and sure enough, on my mental list was D's wife. Yes, she keeps boxes with my late grandparents' books so I am indebted to her, but I know myself and I am positive that had I not been indebted to her I would have still thought of her because I want to be nice and friendly. I have never felt even remotely jealous or threatened. Why should D feel threatened by people in my life? No one is ill-willing or scheming against him. He is 56 years old; he might need to mature a bit, I think.

Reasonable? Fair? Should it be a conversation on Skype or a letter?