<font color="#008800"> </font> I am new to this forum......but not new to my Self.....I have a brain injury often I feel confused.....have trouble sorting my thoughts...so I am going to come to this place to write out words.....hoping in the action....of trying to think , well enough to write......I will figure out what is stopping me......

Every year I am invited to be in an Art Exhibit....my work is with leather....my father was a saddle maker and I inherited his tools....it is physically taxing....I also have shattered 4 of my vertebrae, and one hand......various other things....15 years ago......

this year.....I am stuck....I walk into my workroom and look at my tools.....pick them up and set them back down....walk out of the room, and shut the door....I can't figure out why.....I noticed a quote on the back of a man's shirt....."Don't lose by default.".......I thought Spirit was talking to me.....

We need money my husband quite his job.....this is an opportunity for me to contribute on a scale that is not the norm for me....

I have so many ideas........but the trip from my brain to my hands is not working....I feel afraid....but not sure of what....I care, but at the same time....I don't.....nothing is making any sense to me.....I feel apathy towards my Self.....yet I feel my Self standing apart looking on in horror.....at what I am letting slip through my fingers....

People are coming from the Smithsonian this year.....I have less than two weeks to do something......It will be a downgrade from my usual work because I have waited to long for anything intricate.....

I am having trouble with my hands going numb....they tingle like they have gone to sleep....and each finger feels like logs....just weight without function.....a few months back a doctor working on my injured hand did something.....there was a popping sound and after that....I can't hold anything in my hand....grasping wise....the pain doesn't allow me to maintain my hold.....it is some sharp twanging feeling that reverberates up my arm.......

I have overcome so much ,but I don't seem to be overcoming this.....my doctor doesn't know what to do.....and now, I feel, doesn't want to mess with my hand at all.....so......I am turning away from everything and sitting in my chair in the dark.....willing the days to be gone....

Every year I help with the installation of this exhibit....The curator lets me have free rein in doing all of the pedistal displays.....This is my most enjoyable experience for the whole of the year.....The Staff comes from all over.....it is like a family to me....

I have memory loss from my brain injury....even though I know my family the attatchment formed from history is not there......nor are the feelings of love and affection....but these people on Staff are that way for me....I have been helping for eight, or nine years....Yet I am afraid.....to even help.....WHY......

The Curator has emailed me, and written letters, and I have not responded.....why am I doing this....why am I not doing this.........I can't figure it out....

I don't like the feeling of letting my Self down........I just want to quit breathing.....not that I would commit suicide....I died 3 times in my accident, and I came back with the 'knowing' that suicide is not something I will ever do......I just don't understand my Self.......

I desire to come to grips with whatever is going on but I can't even figure it out to look at it and move on.....

I just feel so bad.......if you waded through all of these words.....I thank you for listening to me..........

Blessings to us all.......
Hummer