Thanks for everyones replies! I am truly having a hard time, I am also worried how others see me. I know myself, and that I am unable to focus enough to complete one thing, seriously. I just can't. I have never been like this. Of course, since one lady told me how much I screwed up, and i felt so humiliated and felt so much shame that I just can't meet expectations. And the expectations aren't rocket science, they are easy, if you can remember what someone said five minutes ago and/or focus for two seconds. I went to work today, and it wasn't as stressful, although I screwed up the same amount. I just don't care anymore. I was doing more, but now people don't want me to do anything because I screw it up. I don't want to not hold my weight, but I just can't do it right now. If I try to do something, I spend an inordinate amount of time making sure it is right, and I keep having to go back and do it again.
Even though work was less stressful, my brain hurts. My brain is throbbing and I sometimes feel dizzy for a shortwhile. I'm not sure that it is all emotional, it might be related to my abnormal blood test. WHo knows?
Yes, I actually do have a person at work who I can talk with. Luckily, I helped her when she was having a hard time. I know I can count on her, I just have to fill her in, I guess. Good suggestion, reminder
Mue, Lifelike - thanks! -
I have taken some days off, too many in fact. I can't afford to go out on disabililty, I just wish I could at least physically fell better
Sannah--
I am focused on others' reactions, because I am afraid of feeling ashamed or being shamed. Also, I haven't built my 'self' yet. I am focusing on the shame aspect in therapy now.
Sally, I am so happy for you about your therapist. I hope that all will go well, and that you get to resolve things with your therapist, whether or not you will still work with him. That must be a relief.
((nightlight)) == Yes, draining is the right word. I guess we not alone in our feelings of uselessness
We'll have to talk more about you having difficulty reading, etc. Take care
Thank you, struggling2
No thanks on the extra appt. with T, lol. Last Wed. I sat there most of the time feeling shame, because it was triggered when i almost dropped my drink and it startled me and this was all while my therapist was sitting in front of me watching. (the drink had a cap on it). I was embarrassed, and majorly reacted, I wanted to hide, I wanted to run, but didn't. I just sat with radiating shame, and wanting desperately to hide. I think I'll see him next Wed.
Finally, the weekend. I have a major headache that is like none I have had before. My temples hurt. I just want to be normal.