I was so upset last night reliving all the hurt my husband has caused me over the last ten years that I sent him a nasty email while he was at work. I even called him a lousy father for what he's done to our family. I told him that the day before yesterday I felt sorry for him, but yesterday I hated him and wished I had never met him. We don't talk, he can't communicate face to face (never has), although he has said he's sorry for everything and all the hurt he's caused via email. I have always tried to hurt him back with my words, which I know isn't the right thing to do. He has just hurt me so badly and I get so angry sometimes (actually for the last five years it seems all I've ever been is angry!). And I've always felt that I have the right to tell him how I feel.

I know it's normal to have emotions all over the map during a separation and eventual divorce, but I wish I could turn my brain off for a bit. And I know that in spite of everything he's done I'm not being fair to him. It's very difficult that we still live together. I just wonder if there's a way to make this process easier? I tried talking to him face to face a few days ago, but once again it was me monologuing and him saying "I don't have the words." I guess I just want answers: Why didn't he try? Why did it have to get to this point? And the unanswerable question: Why didn't he love me? In ten years I haven't gotten any answers, I don't know why I'm expecting any now.

(anyone wondering what the 'back story" is to all this can read my thread "How long do you take the high road?")

Thank you for letting me express my hurt.