Megane otoko,

I was struck by what you wrote, because like you, I find myself in the position of possibly being the one to "fix" my family's problems. I am first generation American, but my mother's is a family of Chinese immigrants and I have seen a lot of similar patterns among your family, my family, and other families that are recently out of China. There are some very strong cultural influences -- which may or may not apply (caveat 1) and are definitely not excuses for bad behavior (caveat 2). So take everything I say with massive grains of salt... however, spoiler alert: ultimately, I think that others here are correct to say that your top priority now should be self-care.

I'll note also that it's not just my potentially similar cultural experiences with patterns, but also the fact that you highlighted your cultural heritage without really needing to do so, that makes me think that you also might think that it's relevant.

The first pattern is the very strict elder-child hierarchy. Not just in terms of showing respect (something East Asian families seem to have on lockdown), but also who ends up shouldering the family's emotional burdens. Somewhat related, the second is that confrontation is to be avoided at all costs, and any compassionate intervention is labeled "interfering", and any unsavory information is kept secret, even when it flies in the face of logic to do so. Finally, there is a massive stigma associated with psychological problems or emotional needs.

The result is the passing on of emotional and psychological burdens from generation to generation, with the possibility of intervention, rehabilitation, or reconciliation as slim. Another friend of mine, who came to the US when she was 5 or so, found herself in the position of being the one to figure out what to do about her uncle, who was wrongfully deported from the States. She had no experience with immigration law (we're scientists) and not a lot of cash (at the time, we were grad students), and was a member of the youngest generation (we were 25 or so), but there she was, trying to collect money from relatives and taking out loans to see lawyers, spending all her free time reading up on the law, and perhaps most excruciating of all, extracting information from her family. You would think this would be easy, that everyone would be giving her all the info they had in order to get their family member back. But no, quite the opposite. At some point, she found out that her uncle had, for a time, lived in Argentina and had an Argentinian passport. She was upset, having already spent time and money on the case and now having to go back and update everything to reflect this fact. When she asked her family why they hadn't told her, they said that it was private, and not anyone else's business. Which sounds outrageous to an American, and was a frustration of hers that I could relate to completely.

My grandmother is also a "martyr", also engages her children inappropriately in her issues (your mom's marriage issues are NOT for her to discuss with you on a regular basis), also makes threats constantly, throws fits when not the center of attention. She even through one of these fits while the youngest of her grandchildren was in the hospital dying. My grandfather was mostly a good man, but tended to deal with family problems by refusing to speak about them and withdrawing. We have a huge, sordid family secret, which has been truly damaging to have kept a secret, and I may very well be the one to have to blow it out of the water, because again, the pain and grimness and anxiety from it has been passed to me and my brothers and cousins, because while a couple of people (my mom included) have tried hard to face it head-on, the overwhelming response has been silence.

This is all my way of saying, I have an idea of what you're up against.

The thing is, the only reason I will take any responsibility for that secret is that I see it as a way to protect my own children (I'm 29, no kids yet but that's on the table in the near future). It is for ME and my kids and my cousins' future kids, but not for anyone else. I can't fix the way the older generations deal with things. I can tell them what I think, I can suggest a therapist, but I can't actually fix it. This has been a very hard lesson for me to learn.

I think you handled your mother PERFECTLY. She's not trying to engage you in a real conversation, she's trying to get you to feel sorry for her, pay attention to her. I find the best way to deal with people who are being passive-aggressive in this way is to answer only exactly what they say, and refuse to engage in the subtext.

A mother like this has to be doing you damage, and so I think the most important thing for you to do now is to find a way to keep YOURSELF safe from damage that can be done. You seem to be suggesting family therapy, but I think in this case, individual therapy needs to happen first, for all parties involved. This destructiveness goes beyond poor communication or family habits, and seems to be deeply rooted within how your parents handle their problems.

I see your dad as being maybe more tractable than your mom. If you can see him -- privately, without your mom, and without informing your mom about it -- and maybe give him some information on how to get past his addiction, and offer to help him if (and only if) he chooses to take CONSTRUCTIVE steps toward kicking his habit, you might be able to get through to him.

But you must realize that your parents are individual adults, and are responsible for themselves. You are NOT responsible for them beyond being loyal and supportive to the extent that you are also able to keep yourself healthy. They may refuse to engage. What is most important is that during this entire time, you take care of yourself. I know you want to save them, and it's horrifying and sad to watch them self-destruct. But only they can make the choice to help themselves.

Take care of yourself