If it wasn't for relationship issues and fear of abandonment, I wouldn't have BPD..it's that simple. When I am in ANY kind of relationship, I get clingy, manipulative, needy, and very, very scared. And very single BPD trait arises from it. Every single one.

For over 10 years, whenever I'd start developing a friendship, I purposely forced people away hard and very early. I didn't realize I was doing it, but it prevented most of the pain caused by realtionships from starting. For that period, I was lonely, had only one friend (whom I drove crazy for 10 years prior with all of this stuff in the '80s and '90s), but I was in control, able to cope 95% of the time. Some problems were still there, it didn't disappear, but I could handle it and my friend (now husband) knew how I acted and learned when to give me space. Then, fairly recently, I attempted to build a friendship, and my coming here is among the results. What's worse, due to my relationship/abandonment problems coming to the surface along with all the other BPD stuff, it has given a few feel as though they have the right to see how THEY can manipulate ME....and it has hurt more than I can say. It happened here, on PC, and made me want to leave.

My issues were caused by my parents. My dad and mom didn't get along and my mom often forced my dad out of the house for weeks at a time. And this time of year was the worst. He often left right after Thanksgiving and came back in time for Christmas Eve. That happened at least 4 or 5 times while I was growing up. I didn't understand at the time but he left to escape the constant harrassment of my mom.

My mom, however, was the worst. I was emotionally abandoned by her. When really young, she would lock herself in the bedroom to drink or attempt to OD on sleeping pills. Later on, when I did things she deemed wrong, (usually talking to someone about my problems or showing too much emotion) she would ignore me...pretended I didn't exist...for as much as a week at a time. Then, when my dad died, she accused me of all kinds of untrue things, would hang up the phone on me when I'd call, and she eventually ended up, on my Dad's first birthday after his death, write me a letter telling me I was no longer her daughter.

So, yeah, I understand fear of abandonment. It affects everything I do....