Thanks for your replies. My goal in posting this is because my xT had a different view of my issues that was more in line with his training. I posted my view of my issues. I think it is okay to have different views, but being further out from being attached to him, I see that I knew his orientation and beliefs, but I tried to convince him of my view because I needed him to respond to me in that manner in order for me to heal.

I was too attached to him and instead of looking for a therapist who was a better fit, I stayed to preserve the relationship that I never wanted to end. I was blind, that is what attachment disorders can do, where the main focus is on preserving the relationships at all costs. He did help me to trust and other things, but when it came to my attachment issues, whenever those arose, a rupture was not too far away.

I knew his beliefs, and I didn't trust my beliefs, I knew my beliefs intellectually, but I didn't and don't know them viscerally. The wise part of me also knows my beliefs well, but there is a part of me that doesn't believe in these beliefs and this causes a feeling of chaos within.

I posted this because I want to believe in myself, I want to viscerally trust myself to know what is best for me, even if someone else believes differently. I want to be able to be accepting of myself as I am now, knowing that this state of mind, for me, is the impetus for change.

This is not a blame my xT post, it is a post to help me believe in me. I want to get to a point where others can have a certain experience of me, and where I have a solid foundation of ME, enough where I can hear other's opinions of me and not accept them as fact. I also am trying to resolve the termination on my own, I am asserting my belief of why I responded the way I did. I valued the relationship over myself, a repeated dynamic from my past. I would not have ever been able to separate to help myself. But now I am more aware of this, and if I build myself, and if I can get to a point where I matter most to me, then I can prevent this from happening again.

I am slowly processing the termination without my xT. I was so devastated that he left this undone, I was so hurt in the way both of us treated our relationship near the end. As of this moment, I myself have reached a.place where my anger and rage towards my xT have dissipated due to the way I am actively seeking to process through this. I am owning what is mine but not anything else. I didn't need him for this.

I miss him but things happen for a reason.