O I didn't start back with them. I haven't seen them for months. But technically I still opened with them until I get a outpatient therapist. They want to give me a trauma therapist, and trauma therapists won't work with me, because I have DID and I have a more extreme form of it that involved safety issues.

I refused to see them. It's been since September, maybe early October. They still handle my medications, but I won't even go pick them up, I begged my mom to please do it for me. My mom knows how much they effect me, so she gladly does it.

We have been fighting over what type of therapist I need for 8 months. I have gone 8 months without a therapist, because they won't listen to what I need. I have been to three trauma therapists, one of which experimented on me because she wanted a DID case, and then dropped me like a hotcake when she got in too deep, didn't even tell me to my face. Told my team to give me the message. Another therapist of which heard my case and said she couldn't ethically treat me. Another tried EMDR and that's how I ended up in the hospital. EMDR is not a top of the line treatment for people with DID.

They kept arguing with me and telling me what I needed. A trauma therapist. During the arguments I switch and end up hurting myself on more then three occasions. Attacking myself with paper clips/staples/glass bottles or running in front of traffic. I've been sent to the ER, twice because of this part. This part doesn't know how else to react. This part has tried to strangle me during arguments with other people. Always with authority.

So in order to protect myself I stopped going to the office. I didn't care what they told me. They started calling and asking me to come in and "discuss this" or "do that" and I refused. I am not going to be treated like crap. Finally they said "We've got the insurance to agree for a DID therapist". I got excited. After months I thought I had convinced them.

My new caseworker was there and my caseworker from my health insurance was there and then my mom and the nurse and my team leader. First thing that comes out of her mouth is "We just want to let you know we've tried to contact Lydia, but she's ignored us". The first words out of her mouth are something bad about me. It's always something bad about me. To make it look like it's always my fault. Everything is my fault. I started yelling at her "YOU THINK I WANT TO COME IN HERE WHEN YOU TREAT ME LIKE ****!?" She says "WHAT!? Lydia! that's not true!" We start arguing back and fourth again. She's telling me I don't need a DID specialist. "Try a trauma therapist" AGAIN?? I get up and run out and hurt myself.

My mom said she felt like a gold fish in a tank full of sharks. She said "You left me with them. The sharks. I was a goldfish in a tank full of sharks, a colorful little goldfish". And then I accidentally said "I was a bloody little goldfish and I had to flop". I meant to say that because they had already eaten me alive. I hope that she didn't understand that I had hurt myself. But they knew I hurt myself. My mom doesn't know about that part, but perhaps it was a Freudian slip.