Nikole,
here, you don't stand alone. I'm glad you came to this forum. When you get to the point of SI, it seems like no one else in the world understands why you would do something like that. Here, everyone in this section understands.

When someone develops a physical problem or illness, friends, family etc. all want to help, sometimes to excess. When a person develops depression or any other kind of emotional disorder, people tend to run the other way. It scares them and they know very little about it. Lets face it, any kind of emotional or psychiatric problem is portrayed in all our media as weird, dangerous, out of control. Sometimes you are lucky and you find someone who understands and will stand with you all the way to hell. Unfortunately, that isn't usually the case.

You probably have already figured this out, but cutting is only a temporary bandage, and it doesn't really solve any problems. Its very difficult to break the cycle of isolation and self loathing once it starts. You sound as though your trust in other people has gone down to just about nothing. Cutting releases endorphins, so you feel "high", temporarily better, and the feeling that you have now been "punished" for your feelings also gives you relief. Once the endorphins are gone, what you are left with is guilt for having done something that others feel is strange, shame because it is obviously not an accepted way to handle things in our society, and more self loathing because you couldn't control your compulsion. Every time you cut, those problems get worse and cutting gets easier and easier to do.

You need help, but I'm not going to tell push that because if you don't trust people, you probably trust shrinks less, not to mention the fact that they may try to take away the only coping mechanism that you feel you have. Cutting. Coming here is the first step though, and maybe we can help you regain some of your confidence in yourself. No one will judge you here, and all of us have gone after ourselves to various degrees.

Sam2