WARNING TRIGGER RAPE Sexual abuse Emotional abuse

I am just confused and alone and don't really know what to do and I don't know if what my T is suggesting is sound. I don't know if this is just the beginings of how things are when you start to deal w/ this kinda stuff. Here is what is going on and has happened in the past little bit. ...... .

I went to see the T tonight alone. Every now and again I go alone if my H can't make it. Tonight was one of those nights. I have run into an issue that I knew existed but I put it away in the back of my mind. It is slowly reemerging. I have had issues w/ this T and trauma's coming out. She specializes in trauma's. I want to work threw these things and get over them if that is really even possible. I do not like it when little things emerge and I do not get to deal with them properly. I brought this to her attention a while back and she said we could not do any trauma work because I was presently not in a secure environment. 6 mo later I find myself in that same spot. So again I asked her about trauma work she told me again it was just to risky w/ out the proper support and being triggered daily. But she did say this time, which was different then the last, if I wanted to write about it please do. I write alot. Somethings like this I cannot say out loud but can write. I want to do it and she said if I want to and feel a need to then by all means do. But to call her right away if I start having panic attacks or frequent nightmares or night mares that are more then I can handle.

I don't really know how to start. I had a relationship when I was 15 w/ a man who was 19. He did things to me that I objected to. He would have me stand in front of him w/ nothing on so he could look at me and touch me. He would get me lost and make me do things w/ him that I didn't wan't to do. He would come to my house and beg and plead the "If you love me" crap. Just this once, I won't ask you to do it again, then afterwards he'd tell me how special I was and how much he loved me. Coming from a home where loved was denied I guess I needed that. He's beg, I'd cry because I didn't want to and he'd reward me w/ words of kindness when it was over. This went on for 9 mo. I finially got the courage to stand up to him, when I did he threatened to kill himself. I remember him telling me so many times "The only thing you are good for is a good F***" It was strictly oral but unwanted none the less. He threatened to commit suicide if I didn't stay w/ him. I didn't care really. But then he started telling me if you see me on the news you will know it was your fault. Or "If my momma calls you in the middle of the night you know why, Can you live w/ that being your fault". I didn't go back to him. He started stalking me. He'd drive past my classes at school, he'd drive 20 miles out of the way and drive past where I worked. He would drive past my house. I think he was messing w/ my horses and animals durring the day when I was not home. They were being suspicious. He didn't like my horse. My horse took my attention away from him.

Shortly there after I met another man I was 17 and so was he. He was a very quiet individual. I'd known him most of my life and I felt fairly safe w/ him. We went out to eat and to a movie and then we took the scenic route home. He stopped at over an overlook but was not interested in the scenery. He got a packet out of his pocket. (condom alert) He was all over me. When I protested he continued. Eventually I got him to stop. He had the packet in his hand and wanted to know when were we gonna do it. WHAT!!!? What kind of girl did he think I was? Apparently that kind of girl.
So experience nubber to was not a good one.

The next guy I met tried to force me into a a stall in a barn. We worked on a horse farm. He had no idea what I had been threw. I asked him to stop following me around, to quit touching my butt, to keep his hands to himself. A barn is the worst place to mess w/ someone. I grabbed a whip and hit him w/ it. I felt terrible for doing that but w/ my past and then this, I was not about to let the same thing happen again.

Later I met my H. I had not told anyone about the first guy. I was not sure what constituted rape. I'm still not sure. In my mind that is what it was all along but since it didn't contain sex sex I was not positive so I said nothing. I did consent, I was coerced, but I still did what I did. I met my H and all was good for a while but then things got sexually heated. We had sex and that did not pose a real problem. But after awhile we had sex when I didn't want to. He would BEG, just like someone else did. We would go to a hunting cabin way up in the woods and I felt LOST. Just like the other guy who got me lost. My H was not getting me lost. He knew where he was and I didn't. I knew no one could find us if I protested, so I didn't protest. Sometimes my H would get us a hotel room for the night. I had a 12:00 cerfue(sp) so I always left at 11:15. I didn't want to have sex. I wanted to keep him and I knew that was what you did to keep a man. So many times I would cry on my way home. I felt like a *****. Take me to a hotel for a F***. He would beg until I agreed. It made me feel terrible. I would cry because I didn't want to and he did, I 'd cry when we were done. He wondered sometimes why I was crying and I didn't know how to tell him. After we were married I cried on our honeymoon. We had sex, thats what you are supposed to do. When he wanted to do it again later and I didn't he begged for it. I felt terrible. I did what he wanted. This was not what he was expecting a honeymoon to be. He must have pictured a weekend of wild sex. I pictured yes sex, but have some fun and enjoy our new life together. Once was enough for me. That is where it all began. Sex has not been so great for us. My H did more then enough begging, he's done some twisting of words and making me feel crappy so I would do it. I only did it to shut him up and make him leave me alone. It's easier to tolerate 60 sec, then an hour of arguing.

18 years later our sexlife is nonexistent. We have some issues. I know he is boarder line abusive. He is abusive emotionally. I don't have a real connection w/ him. I do let him have his 30 sec of fun though. I know he needs it. People are supposed to need to have that connection. I need him to earn that connection. Treat me well, act like you love me, treat me like a wife not a kid. I don't know what kind of impact the past junk has on this relationship. I assume that a rocky start, being triggered, has not helped. Our situation now is not good. There is no connection between us. I don't know how to do anything anymore. I'm lost and not headed in the right direction but do not know which way to go.

I don't know what anyone can say to help really. I just can't sleep and felt like writing. Sorry this is so long. If you have any suggestions fire away.