I haven't been able to email you... Like I usually would. So I'll write the email I would have sent you here.

I miss you. A lot. I think about you all the time. My heart aches for you. I feel bad for wanting u so much and thinking about u so much. It hurts me because I know that I can't expect you to think about me or care about me as much in return. It makes me feel like what's the point of all of this... I read on here about ts who have motherly countertransferance, and it makes me jealous. I wish we had that. Then I feel bad for thinking that. It's this bounce between desire, and then shame for thinking those things.

I feel so angry at you. Im so mad at you for doing this. Right now. I'm mad at you for telling me that I should invest more time into RL relationships, when u leaving is just proof that people are unpredictable and will leave u. Im mad at you for throwing this wrench into our relationship, at a time when it was finally smoothing out. Im mad at you for breaking through to me and then hurting me. I want to never see u again. I want u to go away and not think about me ever again.

I'm mad at me for letting u get that close. I'm mad at me for letting this affect me so much. I'm mad at me for being so vulnerable and needy. I'm mad at me for trusting u. I'm mad at me for listening to u... I'm mad that u make me cry. Im mad that I spend so much time thinking about u, agonizing over things you've said, wanting u. I'm mad that u have so much control over me.

And it's back to feeling bad about thinking and feeling these things. It never ends.