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Leed, no I am not in therapy, it never seems to do me any good now, it once did in 2009 but then I broke back down from working at the place I did since then till 2011 and having such jumble up thought's feelings and emotions taking over me. Part of me wishes I never had the therapy it wasn't my choice and I was under 18 so I had to go. I think for me it caused more problems as it left my mental wounds open as I became more aware when really when I was younger and had more naiveness that may have saved me back then because I could block it all out. Sure I understand their worry was if anything traumatic happen again I was most likely to really suffer and not be able to cope, that therapy was meant to give me the tools to be able to cope if anything traumatic did ever happen in the future but it all fell apart since there as well. It could have just been that going to that therapy maybe was enough to break me and cause my worries, un-trust within myself and my natural abilities, maybe just leaving high school and getting lost since then was traumatic for me even though it should be nowhere near anything like that, Maybe I am constantly just left in a state of panic and stress that isn't right for a person to feel because I was just never allowed to get over it and always made to feel I couldn't trust myself which actually was just another’s person opinion but I took it all on board and absorb that all and it got twisted inside me. However no one made me do all the things I have done, no one can manipulate y thought’s I done that, I should have been stronger and corrected myself and behaviour long ago and not let it twist me, this is all what I chose, what I lead myself too.
I just don't care, I haven't really cared for years, I can't care, I am just a horrible person. I can't even fake being human or holding any of the humanly qualities you would expect a person to have. This is why I am where I am today really. I can't ever heal or be a person I never was, so really I just keep hurting myself going over this, longing for something that is impossible of myself as I don't have it in me to ever be, as a part of me would like me to be, which I never was nor had to begin with.
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