Well no crap, its not like I enjoy doing that...but I don't exactly have any money to go out and do anything, and my close family and friend don't seem to want to really have much to do with me. So yeah it annoys me when people like my mom say things like that, as if I have that many other options for the time being. Kind of waiting it out for whatever is decided on my SSI application and hoping for the best since I really don't know of a better alternative.

I mean I know my sister is busy a lot, my friend did call recently and said we should hang out some-time but I haven't called since then because I still feel bad about freaking out at his house and am worried about making things worse or freaking out again and ruining what's left of the friendship...And my cousin well I imagine she is pretty busy to but then somehow her and my sister still find time to hang out......and its probably just a coincidence but the past couple times I was supposed to see my cousin she somehow couldn't show up so I can't help thinking its because I was there and she didn't want to see me. I mean I guess I just feel like I got out of the psych ward only to be met with no one even bothering to inquire how I am doing or anything. Its all up to me to reach out....but when I am doing all the reaching out I wonder what the point is, so I can just feel bad about myself because it seems like no matter how much I try and reach out people still seem to have a million better things to do then acknowledge it in any way. Let alone return the favor...I admit it feels bad when I've taken people to concerts, paid for their tickets bought people food and all this crap and not that I do those things to get something in return but it gets pretty draining when it seems people don't appreciate it or consider doing nice things for me but expect me to somehow do things for them when I am the most unstable of them all. I mean even among the family members I'm 'close' to it feels like unless i have money to spend I'm not worth hanging out with. I mean even to have a decent birthday celebration I have to pretty much spend all my birthday money because its not like anyone is actually going to take me out to do anything for my birthday.

I am just falling into a mental isolation trap.....if it goes on for much longer I feel like I eventually wont be able to communicate anything at all to anyone except my own thoughts if they become verbal auditory hallucinations.

I have a therapist but it seems the same even with her, I can't think of anything to really say...so then she doesn't know what to say or suggest. She also thinks it would be good to have some fun activities to do...and I am sure it would be but then that brings us right back to why I end up alone in my room a lot lately no money to do that with and no one to really go do anything with. And sure maybe I should just be appreciative that I can at least go walk around in the park(alone)...but I am sick of trying to be happy with having no life whatsoever. Maybe I have too high of expectations but it just seems I spend a lot of time and energy on people who don't care to even hear how I am doing especially if I am not doing so well.....I feel like i can't even bring this up to anyone without being accused of being too selfish and wanting more than I should expect or something when really I just don't understand what I am doing wrong or whatever that throws off relationship balances so much that I seem to be worthless to people(even the ones who supposedly do really care) unless I have money and am offering to buy food or maybe booze(though I am giving drinking a long break) or whatever is being bought. Or maybe my perceptions are off......all i know is the isolation/lonliness i feel is not enjoyable in the least and it seems there is no solution. I mean even if I try and make more friends whats not to say It will be the same with them, they don't really want to hang out unless I have the means to pay for them to go out and do something with me.