I'm sorry you're having such terrible thoughts. I can tell you they are not true thoughts. I think this is what is called "intrusive thoughts." They are scary and violent thoughts which won't seem to stop. I get them and I hate them. I'm a very peaceful person but I get intrusive thoughts that I'm going to really hurt someone. Not my kids or husband, but all the other people around me, even animals, I get intrusive thoughts about. I hate them and they scare me to death.