hi

yeah, i heard from him a couple hours after i posted... as usual i freaked out over nothing, he was busy at the dr and was sick and fell asleep the night before like i had thought. now i just feel stupid for freaking out and doubting it when i knew anyway!!! i felt instantly better when i got a text, kind of like i got a 'fix' and I calmed down straight away.

but as usual, not long after i found myself making a reason to get worked up again, we texted a couple times back and forth, i told him i had a rough day and he was asking if i was ok and he worries about me, and what happened etc
and once again i dissected this to mean that he doesn't care cause if he was so worried then he'd make time to see me and prove it even if he's been sick and doesn't have much time, i just want 5 mins. so i ignored his questions about if i was ok and couldn't help myself but just ask why he doesn't want to see me but i got no reply, i think he had fallen asleep cause it was late by then.

now i don't really want to speak to him today but he hasn't woken up to reply yet either.

i know now i'm all worked up over nothing, over something i've created again. i'm such an idiot.

why why why do i do this, it's just i always find some undertone in his messages or his voice to make it out like he doesn't like me or doesn't want to see me etc i feel like he constantly needs to prove to me he wants me or else i get upset and sulk. even when we are together i keep accusing him of looking angry and he doesn't know why i think this.

but i feel like even if he's busy with work (and he also has two young kids) and if he's still sick (he's been really sick for weeks) like i know im asking a lot but we don't live far from each other, why doesn't he ask to see me more often, we only meet up once or twice a week. he says he loves me so much and he does wish he had more time, and he always misses me but he's just got a hectic schedule so it's hard to plan free time for us but STILL like why can't I accept that???

im so sorry for the rambling
im not as strung out as yesterday though. i just dont want to demand him to explain this to me because i know this is my problem in my head and nothing he did so i dont want to look insane and start another fight.