After I found that music video, I thought about so many things. I rarely listen to music since I developed PTSD. I never go to that forum and I don't talk all that much about why either. I haven't even talked about it in therapy either.

I was a lead singer in a band when I was younger. I always loved music, always. I always sang in the choir and at church and was in a special singing group in high school. Music, I really loved it so, I taught myself how to play the guitar as well and I always took it along when I babysat, kids always loved that. I was always making up songs too. I loved that rich sound of the guitar too.

I took voice lessons right after I graduated from High School and my teacher was really neat and her husband wrote songs for plays. They spent a lot of time in the City working around the muscials back then. I just remembered, she always made me tea to drink before we started the lesson. I can remember her teapot and she didn't use a bag, she used a strainer that she soaked the tea leaves in the hot water with.
I remember one day she was working on my voice and her husband called her away. They were arguing and I heard him instruct her not to change my voice and that it had a very interesting "haunting quality" to it that he wanted to cultivate. Hmmm, never heard someone describe a singing voice like that before. Oh, I have heard it since though.

Then my teacher asked me if I would like to sing professionally in a band. She had been approached by a band looking for a lead singer. I told her I had "no" experience with that and she said, that's ok you will figure it out, it will be fun. So that was the beginning of a new adventure for me. For a while it was a lot of practicing to build up a repertoire. Then they had their agent come and listen to us and his partner came too and that led to our first booking. And my teacher was right, it was fun the crowd loved us and it was very stimulating.

I lived by night though and slept in the day, that was hard to get used to. We performed almost every night except for Mondays. They don't do that anymore, but back then all the night clubs had live entertainment.

But there was dark side to that life too, and I was too young to have the life skills to handle that really. Stalkers, men chasing me in parking lots, harassing phone calls, and my agent mauling me, and it kept getting harder and harder. I had a man come right up on the stage and try to maul me, took all the band members to get him off of me. I still remember shaking and being so scared. I had a big producer offer to back me and send me to Berkly school of music. I listened to his offer and then went back to do another set. Funny how you can sing a song and yet the mind can be in very different place. Part of me loved the music so much, but I could not imagine being able to handle any more than I had already been exposed to. I had managed to get away from the manager who was like an animal on me. I might not be so lucky next time. So I never went back to the producer, didn't even want to go back and say no and have him try to convince me. Some of these men had amazing ways of trying to convince and I was tired of it. I finally just stopped singing on stage completely.

Boundaries, no, I didn't have enough life experience to handle that. It is strange how PTSD brings back all the scarey things from the past. My early childhood taught me how to "be a victim" and so when that challenge came again, I didn't really feel I could tell anyone somehow. So, I kept it all to myself.

I thought to myself, how would anyone understand why I don't listen to music, or that I havent since the PTSD took hold? I wasn't really aware of why, not really. I wanted to join the music club, I joined it but I just couldn't participate somehow. So long ago but just like yesterday too. I wish I had somebody like I am now for others, back then to sit and talk to. It just wasn't there for me back then.

The truth is, people often "don't understand us" unless they do know our challenges in our lives. We are all like that. The most important thing is that "you" understand it. Often we go through things take away some hurt and warning signs, but we don't truely realize how things change us, or even become part of who we are as well.

Open Eyes