((Little Me))), (((Rose))) and (((Beachboxer))),

Yes, there is a lot to "boundary issues" that can be very overwhelming. I experienced a big PTSD "surge" or "episode" the other day in a thread and I know a lot of people do not understand why that happens. People who do not have PTSD truely do not understand it. And people who have PTSD that deal with these triggers,surges, episodes also get very confused as well.

I have noticed in my time here that a lot of people do struggle. A lot of people think that it is "their fault" as well. And many feel that they are misunderstood and that no one will understand how challenged they are.
And they also feel that they have to "hide it" and push forward anyway.

A lot of people think that when they go through their lives and face tramas, abuse, neglect, and difficult experiences that they just "get past" these things. That is what I thought, and I never expected to experience this PTSD. And when I am told that I was a "survivor" it doesn't make me feel better. I never realized how my past affected me the way it did either. We begin to think that we need to just keep moving forward and the past is the past. We believe that we have to be strong and keep pushing forward and not to let things bother us and that if we do, then we are the only ones to blame for that. I have heard that time and again in my life, but the truth is, when we have life challenges it does affect us and it becomes a part of who we are as well.

I had someone ask me how the loss of a pony and my heartache has anything to do with how I surged in that thread. That is nothing new to my challenge either. Because that is what broke me, that occurance was so much, so much loss that I completely broke. It was all because a big BOUNDARY was crossed and disrespected and the result was too much this time. So all the broken boundaries are coming together into this big challenge I have now called PTSD.

What I did have though was how a bunch of things came out of me in that surge, in that thread in writing. And many who struggle with PTSD do come to realize that when a surge comes, they unload a lot of connecting things that all come together in their personal challenge.

After the surge subsided, and I am sure many know about that. I went back and reviewed all my writing. And looked at it in a different way and I could see how I had an original thought and other things came in and to others, what I said could be taken in a very different way.

I have seen that happen to others in the past in my time at PC. And what often happens is they get punished and I am sure they have regrets, even feel bad about how they over reacted somehow too. And what often happens is they either want to "run" and leave PC, or they stay quiet and stew, or they somehow feel like their anger was justified but they are not allowed to express it and no one thinks about "their" feelings. And I am sure somewhere in that tangle they begin to "self blame" or even feel like they are "unworthy of participating" and "interacting" somehow.

I was no exception to feeling that way either. But I really worked on pushing myself past that. I looked at what came out of me, and I do know that the healing with PTSD always comes "after" a challenge or emotional burst. And then I realized that what I did get to see could be a very valuable tool for "healing" and "growing" and "learning" and "gaining". Because it is in writing so I can see how my brain struggled.
I can also see how others would not see it, and why it happened. And it was about a boundary being crossed that inspite of my efforts to say "don't do that to me" I was ignored and I did try to let go, but it kept coming and I broke into a surge. And it is particularly challenging because I cannot say what I want out in the open either. And that is a challenge that goes extremely deep and to some very dark times in my life. But, this is something I have also seen others challenged with as well. Rose, you are having this kind of challenge going on in your life right now outside PC. It is not the same dark place, but it is every bit as deep and challenging.

Someone said to me "ignore" and "avoid" and "dont go there". But in all honesty, if I don't try, then how will I "learn" because I can't "avoid life".
And what happened in that thread will happen in other places too. Someone also said, you must be very lonely and that is why you come to PC.

Yes, I am lonely, very lonely with PTSD and no one IRL other than my T can relate to that. I struggle alot, I know that I might over react and cannot help it right now too. I tend to isolate, and the things I used to thrive on, love to do and made me happy, I can't seem to enjoy them anymore. And that is PTSD.

The only way I can "change" and find my way out is through it and by taking the time out to sort it out and work on it. And I have learned in therapy that I am working through the stages of PTSD and that right now I am in the mourning stage. I am slowly mourning all the things in my past that were TAKEN FROM ME. The things I didn't realize EFFECTED ME SO MUCH. A lot of people are challenged by this, think they just have to learn how to "deal" somehow too. Well, I am seeing in my own life that many times my sense of "safety" was taken from me. I had to work around a lot of things, and I may have done better in my life if these challenges were not there. I do see that a lot now and some things are really sad too. I can't go back and change anything, but I can learn how that hurt me and how it made me who I am today and why I struggle so much right now in my life.

Yes, I did survive a lot of bad things in my life, I did a lot of productive things too. But I also carried a lot of deep inner pain that I just hid and never got to address in a real way, a way where I could be validated and finally grow past a lot of things I just thought I had to hide it all inside myself.

Boundaries;
I had experienced having my personal boundaries invaded and disrespected many times in my life. I didn't always know how to enforce my boudaries either. And many people have this happen to them and they are leary about talking about it, can be ashamed of it, or hold some very deep anger with it as well.

And often if we hold things in and struggle sometimes, can even be strong minded yet we can end up being very misunderstood by others. And sometimes we can be hard on ourselves because of that too. That doesn't mean we don't have the right at any time in our lives to pull back and take time out, be lonely even and finally figure it out.

Open Eyes