Oh boy, do I understand what you are talking about!

Mindfulness has been a bone of contention between me and my therapist for about the last 6 months or so. He is all into it and says it is something that will help me. He actually teaches mindfulness/cbt/yoga groups. I have a pretty clear aversion to the whole idea.

He had me read a book about it. It was like reading in a foreign language to me (and I'm a smart woman, but the whole concept just doesn't make sense or seem like it would work for me).

He backed off for awhile when I honestly became pretty hostile about it, but it came up again about a week ago in session, and I agreed to explore my outright aversion to the idea.

What he does understand is that I have very real physical and emotional reactions to relaxation-type exercises. They literally put me into a panic attack and I have flashbacks because of the connection I've made in my mind between vulnerability and relaxation. It's all old, trauma-related stuff that we started working with yesterday.

Whether I ever get to the point where I am even able to consider the mindfulness exercises remains to be seen, but at this point my T realizes we have some work to do before I will even be able to get to that point. He's says this is pretty close to a phobic reaction I am having. So, it will take time and processing.

I guess what I am saying is what many here have already said: perhaps, like me, what you really need to do first is to explore with your therapist where that aversion stems from. Until I get that worked out, actually doing the mindfulness stuff just isn't going to happen, and my T realizes that now.