i think i get how you feel. i don't know when i've ever eaten "normally." i feel like a powerhouse when i'm restricting, but binging makes me feel disgusting. so often i try to just eat a normal size meal, but then i start feeling guilty, so i want to purge it. then i figure if i'm going to purge anyways, i might as well make it worth my while. (because secretly i was probably planning to binge all along, in spite of myself.)
the best thing i know to do to combat it is to limit my own access to food. but then i get stuck limiting my food less, and less, and less, and that's not a good solution either!