(((Lots of Caring Hugs)))),

When someone is a victim and they can't figure out how to somehow fight back or stand their ground, or they never had someone, a presence that they could "trust" that could show them how, they begin to believe that they are the ones that are somehow at fault. And they often grow passive and learn to "give in" and if they do that "life is somehow managable" for them. It begins to develope into that sydrome (cant think of the name of it) where they begin to "sympathize" with the abuser. Their sence of empowerment comes from learning how to "accept abuse".

Often what happens though is they always want to do better and find a way to change that position and find "someone" that they can trust to stand up for them, show them, and even stand with them in support somehow. So, what they become to be attracted to is others who "seem to show the self empowerment" they are looking for. And at first that person can "seem" trustworthy and the right choice as well. However, once the victim gets caught into a relationship with this kind of person, they can find out that they are now in control of another abuser. Then they wind up reverting to what they know, being passive and working around the abuser's control.

In most of these situations though the abuse starts to escalate to a point where the victim's life becomes very disfunctional and it also theatens to dismantal all "positive gains" as well. A victim is torn between love, and trying to find a way from stopping the abuse that can even be hurting their children as well. However, sometimes a victim can be so controlled that their children suffer but they side with the abuser and practice being in "denial of the damage being done to the children". (Rose, that is your father). If "abuse" is not physical and obvious the victim may think it is acceptable on some level as well. It can lean towards the abuser (a narcisistic parent) 'S ability to look like there are financial gains as well as gains in society thinking they are "good, important, successful, smart and worthy of respect).

A victim will say, "I want to stand up, get away from the abuse, but I am stuck, no one will believe me, he/she has highly influential friends who are lawyers, and prominent people and they will not see the "real monster" I am living with". And they even remember how long ago they too thought this abuser was strong and trustworthy and got caught up in their web of control. Abusers, can seem "very nice" and they are very good at DECEPTION. Abusers can even PLAY A VICTIM, POOR ME THAT WOMAN/MAN IS HURTING ME. They somehow get VERY GOOD AT DECIEVING and even get a high when they GAIN CONTROL AND TRUST. And if an abuser/preditor feels threatened by anyone who knows their game, they will pull together all their skills and "friends/power/believers" into disliking the one person who stands up to them THEY ARE VERY GOOD AT THAT. All we have to do is remember Sandusky and how the University was trapped into DENYING WHAT HE WAS REALLY DOING.

This isn't "just" a domestice problem, it is in all walks of life. Think about Bernie Madoff, he was really good at "deception" and hooked some very influencial and successful people into believing him and trusting him. Many of his victims were so "ashamed" that they never even admitted they were one of his victims. These abusers are REALLY SMART and will openly proclaim THEY ARE SMART AND MAY EVEN HAVE HIGH GRADES IN SCHOOL TO PROVE IT or some proof that they have a HIGH IQ.

I am talking about all of this so that anyone who is challenged, dealing with PTSD, and some kind of victim mentality, understands IT IS NOT THEIR FAULT and NO YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE.

The journey to healing is to finally face the past, learn to understand it, and how to slowly learn to "self empower" and find yourself and finally get to a point where you truely do believe in who you are and your rights to learn how to better function and find permission to "be who you really are". And part of that is also grieving because if you have been a victim, someone took things from you and that was "permission to be yourself and thrive" the way you deserved to "thrive". But to also understand that you are not alone in this challenge either, there are many people that face the same challenges.

I have met people who are so intelligent and I have heard them talk about how they have made efforts to help others who have been victims in someway. But, they often stood alone and may have even had to do their work alongside others that were smart but "manipulitive and selfish and abusers as well". And these people that I have come to admire are often very "misunderstood" and mistreated. Their extreme intelligence and perhaps some awkwardness has led to them being considered as "an abuser" of somekind.
And sadly they grew angry, and even angry at themselves, turned it inward, and will utter "I am never going to be able" and they suffer depression and they don't know how to get rid of this anger that keeps them imprisoned somehow. And I want so badly to reach out to them and give them what they always needed because they really did have the "beauty of the right stuff" I so admire.

Big Mama, this is what you do with the horses, me too. But there are times when I cannot get to these abused animals/people and yet I somehow see them continue to suffer "unfair and continuing abuse". And when I do see that, it always pains me to the depths of me. Because I know to the depths of me the challenge and how it can turn into being misunderstood.

((((Hugs means permission to let yourself be))))
Open Eyes