I've been on meds for 4 weeks and I had my breakdown 4 weeks and 1 day ago. Thankfully I was in my T's office when I decided to confess to someone I wanted to end my life.

Since starting the meds I've gone back to certain phases of disappointment and reality in my situation. In the beginnning before I started my day treatment program I thought in my head: I'll take the drugs for a couple weeks and I'll be back to normal once I get a blood level. I was pretty good up until today about getting my exercise in. I was able to force myself to do it for many weeks and today I just layed on the couch most of the day as today is my day off from the outpatient program (my plan was to go to the gym).

Today I feel like I am at a bare minimum of doing one thing like bring my son to school and then I'm exhausted and I have to go lay down and take a nap. Tomorrow I have plans on running before program but I'm not sure it's possible. I'm tired of fighting and I want to just give in to the depression and let it take me over. I feel like my will is broken.

At night my sleep isn't that great so I'm sure that's not helping. I'm going to see if I can get something to help with sleeping at night. I'm great at falling asleep but I don't stay asleep. I usually wake up for a couple hours in the middle of the night.