First of all, I'm new to this site. Nice to meet you! I don't know where else to let this out other than on here.

Well I've had problems with socializing with people for seven years now. Ever since 6th grade. I'm a freshman in college now. At first I didn't see it as that big of a deal, but during my junior year of high school it was so bad that I didn't have ANY friends. I was so desperate that I was overly nice to people and let them use me. I was just desperate for friends. After they dropped me, thoughts of self harm would come to mind. I would think of myself as worthless and having no meaning in the world other than letting others use me.

Senior year I made a good friend. Long story short, she betrayed me. It really crushed me because she was the one person who I could be myself with. Right before she left I found out she was racist and used me for taking her places because I was the only friend she felt comfortable with asking. After than incident suicidal thoughts flooded my mind. For about a month I would sleep all day long so I wouldn't have to think about it. I lost about 12 pounds too.

It's gotten even worse since I've started college. It was actually going well at first. I talked to people and thought I had made friends.. I don't know what happened, but after that first week, no one was talking to me and I wasn't talking to anyone. It was back to how it used to be. I tried to stay positive and joined a club that had something to do with something I'm very passionate about. Even there I couldn't talk to people. I just sat by myself while everyone else was socializing. I wanted to join the conversations so badly, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Now whenever I talk to people, I start sweating bullets and my speech becomes really slurred. The other day we had to do a presentation for one of my classes and I was so scared that I skipped out and just took a zero. In fact, the last time I had to present in front of a class I blacked out.

My parents don't think this is really that big of a deal and tell me I'll get over it, but it's been seven years. I'm tired of being socially awkward and want help and friends. I'm so lonely that I make up imaginary friends to keep me company. It's getting ridiculous. I'm tired of having these suicidal thoughts and thinking of myself as worthless.