As an athlete your identity was based strictly on winning or losing. I suppose that abuse made it even more difficult to believe that there was value inside worth exploring and developing.
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I'm hoping to be somebody to myself. Don't know if that makes sense but I know what I am to some people but not to myself.
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It does make sense. Perhaps what being somebody to yourself means is that you can see or create value, meaning, purpose in yourself
as yourself, whether or not you win or lose.
You mentioned starting to listen to your body and perhaps acting differently, based on what it says. Perhaps there might also be thoughts, feelings that you could start to be able to hear.
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I lost that and actually don't ever know or remember when I had that sense of identity.
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When you were young perhaps the focus was already fully on performance, and much of whatever self that remained was shattered by the abuse.