Hi again Seekerofanswers,
my sincere apologies. I felt lousy later in the day thinking I was so abrupt and harsh in my remarks and couldn't get back to the computer to add more thoughtful comments about your post.

I didn't mean to infer the task was easy and cutting is simply a most obvious approach and I too use [less obvious but equally] unsatisfactory ways of "coping". Please forgive me for my tactless response.

Such experiences are not ones we can shut from our minds. I have recently left an abusive relationship. I am more disturbed than ever about my fear and subsequent passive behaviour. Who am I honouring? Certainly not myself! I am just now accepting there is no other word to describe aspects of the abuse other than rape. Not brutal physically, but if my verbal refusals and non responsive behaviour is too cerebral for him then I am left with limited control over my circumstance. In the past it has been easier to forgive him when he apologizes, than to face myself, my own feelings and inadequacies about self determination. I can say of myself ...none so blind as those that do not want to see.

Seekerofanswers, I don't know your circumstance and can't relate to them though I believe I recognise your pain and unconscious strategies for coping. Words of encouragement would be that you have set on a right path as we can not consciously change that which we don't acknowledge.

The cutting is a very disturbing behaviour and it will come down to being your choice at the end of the day. Please know in your heart you are entitled to feel good about yourself and you are inherently beautiful. Please trust that healing will be yours though we can't turn it on a dime.

Seekerofanswers, the cutting as with other self destructive behaviours becomes a default setting, such action is a symptom of your inner turmoil. Make decisions about constructive behaviours you might grow in their place. CHOOSE TO CHANGE. Choose rational thoughts and be determined to travel a path of healing. There is going to be easy days and much harder days and falldowns along the way. Diana Kraal sings it too simply "pick yourself up, dust yourself off and ...start all over again" we must be sure to learn so we avoid going in circles.

After a time we learn to see the hole before we fall into it and progress yet further when we walk around the hole. We can not make ourselves immune to lousy things happening to us but we will know we are survivors of this and subsequently will be stronger in being faithful to ourselves in the future.

A lot of froth and bubble maybe but I'm trying and I believe it is better than the status quo.

Regards Frances
Eat right sleep right and play hard.