I haven't been posting much lately because I have been going through some stuff with my T. After three years, and much consideration and discussion about the possibility of termination, I terminated my therapy with him. It's now been two weeks.

I handled it poorly ( by not meeting with him) and I am not proud of it. It might be a later regret but, right now, I feel safer and am just happy it's done.

For the three years I have been with him, I have discussed how triggered I get by the calls from his staff during his planned weeks off. I have asked not to be called but then (after discussion with him) decided not to follow through because of our conversation, I have called his office in anticipation of being called to remind them I remembered, I have ignored them, not answered, and more. Once, when discussing with him, I said I didn't want to be treated differently because I didn't want the staff to walk on eggshells around me. (It was MY trigger, not theirs) T said that was the EXACT reason he had not mentioned to them earlier, but he also did nothing to make it safer for me. We've talked, fairly consistently, about it for over a year. This Thanksgiving, I realized, because of the importance of therapy to me, I have tolerated it and *I* have been the one who is walking on eggshells. I just couldn't take it anymore.

Plus, a couple of months ago, I was concerned with the number of appointments T has cancelled. Since the first part of June, he has cancelled 7 appointments. Since this was the pattern with former T, it served as another trigger. I asked T if we could talk about how difficult it has been for me since it is so similar to my previous experience. T agreed. He said, he is not my old T. He asked me why I thought he would terminate me, since he has never given me any indication of such. I reminded him former T didn't either.

I (half-jokingly) said, I had to schedule weekly appointments just to see him once or twice a month. In late October, T shared his schedule through the end of the year. He said he would be present the week of Thanksgiving and off two weeks at Christmas. One week prior to Thanksgiving, he announced at the beginning of my session, he would also be out for Thanksgiving week.

That week, the staff called and left a message which said, "they wished to make sure I remembered he would be gone", I broke.

Before my decision to leave, I tried to think of T and how it might affect him. I realized, I didn't know the answer. I didn't know him. In my three years of therapy, T had not shared many personal experiences with me, especially relational experiences (including his own experience in my therapy). It scared me. Some may say, he did his job well.

I just realized, I didn't know him.

So, that's it. My therapy has ended.