I have long, long suspected there is something else wrong with me in addition to the bipolar disorder.

Mainly, because I am horrible at relationships, and can’t get close to people. I absolutely crave closeness, though – I just can’t ever achieve it. When I get close to someone, invariably, I push them away, sometimes in spectacular fashion. My heart breaks (not only for myself, but for those who love me and try to get close to me – even family. I’m – detached.)

For a long time, I thought it might be borderline personality disorder. But I have never received this diagnosis, and after two years of therapy with an excellent, seasoned psychologist, I finally asked her if she thought I was a borderline. She said emphatically, “No!” A subsequent psychologist confirmed this.

I have also thought I had an autism spectrum disorder, because I am socially awkward and don’t pick up on social cues. However, I have been tested and fall just “off” the autism spectrum. So, that’s not it.

Since I am adopted, I have done some research on RAD in adults. But, I was never in an orphanage or subject to neglect or abuse of any kind. So, I don’t think it’s RAD.

At this point in my life (I am almost 30) I don’t know if I will ever achieve closeness with anyone. I am good (very good) at superficial relationships. Beyond that, I suck.

I think I am a good person. I am very generous and have a great ability to empathize with people.

This is all very painful … it probably fuels my depressions more than the actual bipolar disorder.