i've been here long enough to have learned two things. sometimes the truth is wanted and sometimes it isn't. since i always follow through when someone wants advice or support, sometimes i open the wrong door. i've learned that the more i put myself out there, the more potshots are being taken. that's okay too.....someone has to shoot at someone.

i have put myself on the line, more than once, here and would continue to do so in the future......except that i'm tired of being misunderstood and i'm tired of being perceived as something that i'm not. i've always stood up for what i believe.

i've also let people run over me and it has caused great pain. someone said to me, "don't let that run you off".....it isn't the particular pain of one instance that can make me leave. it's the perception that i can be used and i'll bounce right back up. i've done that before. bouncing isn't on my agenda anymore here.

i've had run ins with the administration and they've had run ins with me.

i respect the moderator's hard work as they are on the line all of the time and they spend a lot of time at it.

i've been blamed for things that i did not do and that's okay...up to a certain point. i've tried to turn the other cheek in most instances.

i have always been a solitary soul and will continue to be il the day i die.

i've had the most heart warming love here that i could ever have imagined. and i believe i've given it in return. there are people here who have literally saved my life. KA comes to mind, specifically, last summer when i had my breakdown. if she had not told me to quit worrying about dirty dishes and go buy paper plates, i think i wouldn't be here today.

in case someone feels that this is an "indictment" of PC, it isn't. it's my true feelings finally being expressed and i'm not asking for any rebuttals.....i'd like, once, to be myself and tell it the way i see myself here.

i am glad that Doc is going to be more hands on here. i think he needs to be and i think the forums will benefit greatly. especially if he enters into thread discussions occasionally. he has always been able to bring focus back to a thread when it was getting willy-nilly and losing it's depth.

this is relationships because that's what i've had here. relationships with tons of people and made friends that i will never forget. i now have e.mail and phone friends that i didn't have two years ago. and i cherish everyone of them. very much. for different reasons, i've had clashes that i didn't understand then and still don't understand. but that is life here and IRL. no one is perfect and i'm such a work in progress that my higher power has to take rest breaks from trying to keep me going forward.

i've tried to leave before and have been drawn back. the tiredness i feel today is my assurance that i have to do something else. i come here less and less and i read less. i'm not offering hardly any support and i am begining to believe that my well is almost dry.

for those who have asked, Bill is doing okay. he took his curtains down and ironed them yesterday!! said he was bored. he hasn't done anything like that since he moved down here. that little bit of craziness made me feel a lot better about his moods. his mom is home from the hospital and has been told if she smokes another cigarette, she's a goner. my immune system is shot and i go to a specialist next week that sounds like she's my last hope. my bipolar is horrible and i have to fight every day to make it til blessed bedtime.

i'm really struggling with my work. i feel like slapping people who don't have the problems that we have here. whining has never been one of my favourite traits in a patient. i cut my hours back to 15 til i feel more charitable towards complaints about 12 step programs. and in fact may change and work in the courtroom in the prison. far less stress and less pay. but i can ride my bike to work. and i get to wear a commando uniform. money isn't everything.

to all who've held me up, put up with me, cheered me up, made me giggle endlessly and loved me.....thank you so much.

no one is running me off this time around. i'm removing myself from something that i dont' have the energy for anymore. i'm sorry that i can't do it now but my mental and physical health is more important to me than anything else. well, i will miss the blonde jokes. and am sorry that i never got the hang of chat.

when i know that i no longer have a dog in the hunt, it's time to quit. when the enthusiasm that i used to bring here has waned and i have to struggle to find it.....i'm not able to support like i feel that i should, then it's time to kennel the dog and take care of myself, my family and Bill.

and remember, we're all crazy and that's why we're here.

i will be very disappointed if this post disappears before the populace gets to read it.