“In a world that doesn’t understand, how is one to come to grips with a reality not accepted by others?” - Me
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“How does it begin?” It starts with a tingling sensation in my spine. “I don’t know” I lie. “It just happens.” And then the tingling sensation travels up my spine to the base of my neck. “What are you aware of when it happens?” Pins and needles around my head, numbness spreading throughout my body giving me a warming feeling. A feeling that tells me that everything is good, that everything is alright. “Nothing. It just happens.” I lie again. “Surely there is something that you can tell me about it.” Yes! My mind starts racing and I can’t keep up. I lose control and I feel so lost. So helpless. Help me! “Nothing.”

I promised myself I wouldn’t do this again. I promised myself that this time I would talk about it. That I would not waste another chance for help. But I can’t let it go. I have to hold onto it. It’s all I have ever known. “There is nothing I can say, it just happens.” She stares at me with knowing eyes. Compassionate eyes. Eyes that make me want to tell her everything. I can feel my lips part, I can feel it build up inside, ready to come out. I can start to hear my voice. I’m doing it! I’m really going to talk this time! “You have to start talking to me, sooner or later” she says, and with her words all of my will to talk escapes me. My heart is beating out of my chest. I close up. Another wasted visit. Another wasted opportunity to talk. To finally let it all out. Another two weeks of telling myself that this time I will talk. Another lie that I have told myself. Another failure.

The rest of the session was her basically describing what Bipolar II was and the effects that it has on people that experience it. She described in detail about the hypomania and how I can have delusions of greatness and end up in a lot of trouble because of that. She also went on to explain the depression that usually followed, and how it can come before the hypomania as well. She explained everything. In detail. Again.