Your writing style is good, but you have some technical errors that could get you shot down by an agent or editor. Example, technical is how to cook noodles (boil the water, add the noodles, let cook until aldente.) Style is the flavor and spices you add to the sauce.
Quote:
“How does it begin?” It starts with a tingling sensation in my spine. “I don’t know” I lie. “It just happens.” And then the tingling sensation travels up my spine to the base of my neck. “What are you aware of when it happens?” Pins and needles around my head, numbness spreading throughout my body giving me a warming feeling. A feeling that tells me that everything is good, that everything is alright. “Nothing. It just happens.” I lie again. “Surely there is something that you can tell me about it.” Yes! My mind starts racing and I can’t keep up. I lose control and I feel so lost. So helpless. Help me! “Nothing.”
|
Break it down into conversational paragraphs like:
Quote:
“How does it begin?”
It starts with a tingling sensation in my spine. “I don’t know.” I lie. “It just happens.” And then the tingling sensation travels up my spine to the base of my neck.
“What are you aware of when it happens?”
Pins and needles around my head, numbness spreading throughout my body giving me a warming feeling. A feeling that tells me that everything is good, that everything is alright. “Nothing. It just happens.” I lie again.
“Surely there is something that you can tell me about it.”
Yes! My mind starts racing and I can’t keep up. I lose control and I feel so lost. So helpless. Help me! “Nothing.”
|
Do you see the difference? It makes it easier to follow along and realize there are two people talking instead of one guy talking to himself. Just remember that every time a
new person beings speaking, you need a new paragraph.
I say keep going on the writing, telling your story is important.