Quote:
Originally Posted by gon3withth3wend
I quit almost everything I'm involved in this week. Went to all my music lessons, club meetings, and quit. Don't know why. I worry that I've made permanent decisions I might regret later. On the way to each thing, I felt a certain peace with letting it go, but then felt much worse during and later.
I tried to quit T, but she's being a bit less easy with it. I just feel like I don't want to do anything and I'm a waste of time and space.
When I quit piano today, my teacher told me that she used to feel sorry for me (because I had stopped really practicing, and was I guess wasting my potential) but now she doesn't feel sorry anymore. She said she should have let me go a long time ago, but I quit on my own terms. I really liked piano. I just couldn't be a good student. All I want to do is sleep, cry, and eat in my bed.
That whole "I don't feel sorry for you anymore" thing kind of stuck. What am I doing? How do people see me? WHY CAN'T I STOP BEING LIKE THIS! I feel like people would be able to tell if I had a bigger problem than just being a lazy dramatic crybaby. I also feel like I shouldn't want people to kind of feel sorry for me. I'm just venting.
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Hey there gon3,
the others have said a lot I agree with, and I know support can't necessarily take pain away, but maybe pc will give you a place to lean when you need it;
I have a sleep addiction, and enjoy the feeling of staying in bed all day..but also hate the feelings of guilt that come after.
Sounds like you sure we involved in a lot...therapy is quite taxing you know, and I wonder what it would be like to have a piano teacher that was always supportive...going from what OrangeM said; it does sound like you got a teacher that was teaching more for themselves then you, and I'm sorry this person let you down, it might have been a great outlet otherwise.
Back to therapy...
I'm not sure how comfortable/not you are with your therapist..but you have a lot of this worthless theme going on, and if that's happening...ok question:
What happens if you tell your therapist that you lie, because she is so happy and pretty?
What do you think is going on for you there?
On the lying...we all have these things called "defense mechanisms" that protect us from getting hurt/threatening thoughts. If you are lying, I wonder if the questions asked are getting too deep for you, and you don't want to go there?
If your T started asking questions, and you got uncomfortable, would you be able to tell your therapist that you were feeling uncomfortable?
It sucks that you feel so unheard, and chances are that if you are a victim in childhood, you might not be able to
1. identify what you are feeling when you feel it
2. be able to stand up for yourself.
on top of a crapload of other fun stuff;
Open eyes said:
" And it is really important that a therapist is the right match for them as well, because if it isn't the right match it will only add to the sense of unworthiness. "
This hit home for me-I always worry that I'm never making enough progress in therapy, and if the therapist doesn't think they are helping me, they will give up on me. It would be in my pattern to quit on them before they gave up on me-so abandonment worries might be another thing you would want to look at-your pianist didn't fight to keep you, but seems your T is fighting to keep you, so to speak. Are you afraid your therapist will eventually give up on you?
Hope you keep posting,
take care,
-obj