(((Freeda))),

In light of the fact that you have been tramatized. I thought I would share what I have learned myself to perhaps help you understand better.

I grew up around the "Christian" faith, and my father was very active in the Church.
My father taught Sunday School and he loved helping children understand faith and he did have a book that was pretty much designed to teach children the Bible stories in ways that children could understand.

Well, my father became discouraged with this specific church and we ended up no longer going to church. I felt very lost after that, and as time went on, I felt that I was disconnected somehow. But I still remembered what I had learned and what I thought is that if I was good that God would love me and I would also be loved by others. I thought that if I believed that God would protect me and watch over me.

I had a lot of challenges in my life and somehow I felt that if I kept praying that God would hear me and answer my prayers if I was patient. I was really challenged and I kept trying to find ways to stay or be good. And as time went on and I went to High School that happened to be private and revolved around the Catholic Religion, which I was not, I kept an open mind and learned about that faith too. But I knew I was not a Catholic so somehow I didn't quiet "belong" like the other girls.

As I mentioned, I had a lot of big challenges in my life, but I kept my faith, the way I understood it, and I began to see that if I was patient, things would slowly work out.
And somewhere along the line someone told me that because I was a "good soul" that the devil would constantly be throwing crap in my life path hoping I would turn bad somehow and that it would be hard for me to "stay good". And I kinda of grabbed onto that, because I had experienced a lot of bad things which are actually called "tramas".

When I had my daughter, I made efforts to help her learn about religion too. And there were times where she too had questions because sometimes her life was hard.
And I always encouraged her to pray and have her own special relationship with God.
And I did tell her that God, is not a Santa Claus, but that he would bring her things in her life that would help her grow and have some happiness too.

There were some big challenges that came too. One of them was when my daughter had her beloved horse suddenly get ill and on the way to the Veterinarian Hospital, it died in her lap. It was very tramatic and she asked me "How could God allow this to happen?". It was a hard question to answer, because honestly, it was tramatic for me as well, and deep inside I wondered the same thing. I told that God doesn't do this, but, he is there for her, to "help" her work through this pain and heartache, and to help her perhaps find another horse that she can continue to learn on. Well, my daughter truely didn't "want to love another horse" because she didn't want to hurt that way again. That is a common response to any trama or loss like that. And I promised her that she would love again, just as strongly, maybe even more and it would make her stronger.

Well, she did find another horse, it was wonderful and she did love it even more and learned alot on it. But, unfortunately, just when she was beginning to really get a chance to enjoy all her hard work with this horse, he was badly damaged by my neighbors dog. It was very tramatic and I also lost a lot of my animals too. And one day she was so upset and we sat on my front stoop and she again had that question and this time she was "very angry". "Why did God let this happen"?

Freeda, I was so overwhelmed myself from so much loss, I have to be honest, I felt so abandoned myself. I did stick to my explaination and told her that god doesn't make/allow these trajedies happen and as hard as it is to pray and he will help her.
But even though I did say that, I honestly didn't believe that myself.

I developed PTSD and I really didn't understand PTSD, I didn't understand the severe depression that is the beginning of the hell of PTSD. And my daughter was strong, trying hard and pushing constantly. But in her doing that, she was pushing me, and because I was developing PTSD it only "aggrivated" the PTSD. And then one day, I had a "PTSD rage" and I blew up at my daughter, and I could not stop it. My daughter was really hurt, and I didn't understand why it happened. And everyone I asked had a different explaination. I was even told that my daughter was spoiled and expecting too much of me and the angels jumped into my body to make me stand up to her as it was time for her to stop expecting so much and she needed to move out and be on her own. Oh I heard so many opinions about how I spoiled my daughter and she didn't appreciate me etc. And the more "religious" a person was that I asked, the stranger the explainations got, including the devil trying to get my soul.

Well, I finally completely crashed and the PTSD got really bad and it took a long time for me to finally learn about what that "PTSD rage episode" meant. And the PTSD kept getting worse and I truely felt I was in hell. And as I began to experience Flashbacks and re-experience so many tramas going all the way back in my life, I truely began to doubt "God" too. I really felt betrayed in so many ways and I got so confused and began to "self blame" and question myself worth and I also knew that it was going to be very hard for anyone to understand it as well. I felt a million miles away from everyone and had no idea how to deal with it. And the more I struggled, the more my family was mean to me about the fact that I could not "just" get over it and move on. I grew to believe that it would be better for them if I disappeared because it was clear that I was a big burden to them somehow. And sadly, all my friends had these "just get over it and stop being a baby" statements too. I genuinely felt like a failure and completely alone.

It has taken me a long time to understand it and find help and work my way through it. And even think about having faith as well. However, as I grew to understand it, and started gaining I began to think about God and faith differently. I began to pray again and allow myself to keep an open mind and find my way to understanding that "God" didn't do this to me either. And as time passed and I gained and learned more, I began to feel that I still could have faith and that I would have an even deeper sense of faith too.

I do notice that many people stop believing or allowing themselves to have faith and even believe that "God" exists. And they constantly support that anger with, "if there is a loving god then he would protect children and good people and we would not see so many horrors take place".

Well, in my effort to learn about PTSD and why it happens and the human brain and how we are designed and also learning about different people and different disorders and so many things I began to slowly think about it differently.

I began to think about my own child and that I always loved her without a doubt. But, even though I loved her and did my best to answer her questions and help her in her life, I could not stop the bad things that crossed her life path. And the only time I could help her is when she asked me to help her. All I could do is encourage her to keep trying and learning and growing and that bad things would happen and each time she had to learn how to keep going and gaining. I told her each time something bad happened she would always learn from it and even learn things about herself as well.

So, with that in mind, I realized that "God" can love us that way too. He is not Santa Clause and his whole purpose is for us to learn how to "pray and trust and grow" inspite of our life challenges. There will be "bad people that come into our life path" and we "will see bad things" and very "sad things" as well. But our quality of life is in constantly building our spirtual sense and will to keep living our lives, our whole lives for however long that is with this personal "spiritual sense" to act as our guide. We as human beings will make mistakes too. We may say something hurtful or react poorly because we are struggling. We have to learn from each of these experiences too and keep making efforts to do better, to understand and forgive ourselves if we do make mistakes along the way.

It took me a long time to forgive myself for that PTSD rage. I still can experience bad PTSD episodes and it is always a challenge to make sure I don't just "self blame" but instead, allow myself to learn from it and keep trying.

(((Freedaa))), I am very sorry that you have been tramatized by an organized religion.
I have shared what I have learned and some of the ways I have also noticed that people misunderstand and use religions. What you "can" do is choose to learn from this experience and continue to develope your own sense of faith and spirituality.
It is a good thing to develope in one's self and can become a very "positive" and "meaningful" personal experience as well. Keep an open mind and keep making efforts to be the best "you" that you can be, but understand you are only human and will be learning and growing the rest of your life.

Open Eyes