If I had gone to session thinking upfront that I needed to atone (shame evoking for me), I'd have been extra sensitive to T's responses to me that day. Not saying that I would have been looking for things to "prove" I was no good, but it might have been in that neighborhood.

Sorry, I must be not grasping something about this situation. Your session where you gave her the CD was last week. Couldn't she have both wanted to hear it right away but the other person asked her to leave it and she agreed to do that? I guess I would have been like (and this is a stretch, of course, as I'm Jewish so the whole xmas thing flies right by me) "okay, I'll leave it here at the office. I can hear it there."

Couple of things here. One is that I don't think you have the set up where T is supposed to respond to every email you write, so a non-reply isn't a dismiss, right?

The second is that it seems to me that her perception of your panicking was insightful. I know that my T projects calmness and his confidence in my ability to handle anything, and even more annoyingly, sometimes tells me that what I perceive as backsliding is really progress. It does make me reflexively want to plunge sharp objects between his eyes, though.

For me, I know there is an edge to a dynamic where I say "this is hard for me, all this [stress]" and T responds with how well I am doing despite it all or suggests that I can handle it. The edge is that if I'm not falling apart anymore, then maybe I don't need to be in T and maybe he'll terminate me because I am "well." It's almost like I don't "need" him!

But I do in retrospect really appreciate those times when T projects the "you are okay" message to my challenging times. He doesn't do it falsely, but backs up his perception with either about my growth or skills acquisition or his belief about how my response is really a good thing. Because that's where I'm trying to get to-- to be okay no matter what happens in my life-- and largely that relates to me feeling that I'll be okay even in the midst of a struggle that pushes all my buttons.

I don't think I would like it if he said, "oh yes, this is your hot button issue, again, in a different format. Watch out, you're going to freak out and be a mess because of it." Instead, he communicates that I can manage my response to this button in a skilled way. This really works for me.

Pema Chodron has a new book (this year anyway, I just finished it) where she advocates meditation in the charnel grounds in Tibet. The charnel grounds (if you don't know) are the burial grounds in Tibet-- where the ground is frozen most of the year, so they don't bury people. They chop up the bodies and the birds come and mostly pick things clean, although not even vultures are without standards. The grounds sound kind of grim, with the remnants left over and it sounds like pretty much like a very un-peaceful and calm place, exactly the opposite of where one would choose to meditate. And that's really her point, that there is incredible value and a sense of accomplishment in being able to meditate in that place.

I think that therapy is a lot like visiting the charnel grounds of our lives, where the leftovers of our traumatic and negative life experiences live. We progress by picking the bones clean, and we have to visit those places over and over until we are comfortable despite being in a very grim place.

But I also imagine the charnel grounds, though the closest I have gotten to that part of the world is southeast asia, as having a sort of openness, vista, and with the natural beauty surrounding it. It's not just stray eyeballs and bits of bones laying around. And I think that's what happens as therapy progresses-- when you deal with the gory leftovers, you gradually look around and see how much openness and possibility and beauty that is there. Seeing the context helps us cope with the uncomfortableness of the grim setting itself.

There is enormous comfort in having T there as we visit the charnel grounds of our lives. Sometimes I think that most of my therapy these days is me showing him the leftover bits and pieces, the things I have not yet been able to use in my life, and he's there to witness as I talk about how ugly and horrible it is. And then I realize that I'm doing okay even in the midst of it, and he's there to point that out, because I don't always see it, or feel it, or believe it.

Well, I know you specifically chose her because of the religious bent to her therapy, so G-d is going to come up. I think it is kinda a sign of your growth that you are tuning this out, but that's just agnostic me. Again, this seems to me like T is projecting that you can handle this stress, without needing to see her 2x a week. And you know what, I think she's right, from what I've seen you do here.

So I wonder if she was following your lead and reinforcing your own message to you, that you have been doing great.

To me, this is the perfect response, as it is reflective and honoring of your progress. That you could recall this story with some emotion attached to it (not always easy for you, I think).

I sense that things are shifting in perspective with you and your approach to T. When you make changes and take risks, you might find yourself back in your charnel grounds. You look around and it is an uncomfortable place, but there is a lot to be said for finding comfort and beauty there.