I'm 20 years old. I haven't had a therapist/counselor since I went to family counseling when I was a child. I am having my final appointment with my RN in a few days.. While I am there, I plan on setting up an appointment with a psychiatrist. I'm posting this thread because I would like someone else's opinion.. I read about AvPD a few days ago, and was surprised how well it described me.. I'm not good at organizing while typing stuff out, so I don't blame you if you stop reading.

A little bit about my past.
My past isn't bad..it's just small stuff that has built up. I was the target of my father's anger from as far back as I can remember up until ~16 years old. I remember the worst of it from my early childhood.. Up until middle school, I was really good at socializing with the kids at school and making friends. I was always out of the house, riding bikes and whatever else with friends from school. Sixth grade is when the bullying started. I began having trouble fitting in and relating to anyone else. I would hop from group to group, trying my best to fit in. I made a lot of mistakes when trying to fit in though. It was easy for others to pressure me into doing stuff I knew was wrong. Not sure why, but I have always -to this day- had trouble telling people no. I was the kid that never talked, and sat with his head down. My grades were good though.
Then when high school came around.. That's when the depression hit. Seeing everyone in groups, laughing, having a good time. Then there I was..feeling like I didn't fit in anywhere. I would walk with friends before class..but I would feel like I was shadowing them and would walk away. The beginning of freshman year, I was walking to a class and someone yelled b**** from behind me. The way he said it sounded like 'chris'. So I turned around. He yelled it again..and I turned around again hearing 'chris' that time too. Then I heard them laughing and I realized what they were saying.. I was in and out of relationships. They weren't stable, I wasn't able to share or express my feelings. I didn't know why.
Sophomore year was hell.. More of the same **** and then some. I skipped more than half of the entire time I actually went to school. The crowded halls, pressure from low grades, and socializing was too much for me to handle. My mom called the cops on me for leaving home without telling her. She said I was a run-away. The cops came to where I was, and arrested me. While cuffing me..they saw the cuts all over my arms. They ended up sending me to a mental health hospital up in Springfield. I stayed there for 14 days..I talked about abuse and stuck to that. They figured that was my only problem. I just said what I thought would get me out quickly...and it did. Back to school after that, more skipping. Got caught several times. They ended up giving me an option of dropping out, or going to day school, night school, AND summer school for the rest of my high school education. I took the easy way out. I never finished sophomore year.. I had all F's anyways, what was the point?

Now I know that everything has led up to this monster I have become.. I went from having several friends..to a few close ones..now I have one or two close friends left. The only family I talk to are my dad and sister. And who I live with (my mom, little brother). I want, more than anything, to be able to have close relationships with everyone. Yet it seems like the harder I try, the more I mess it up. I've been in my room for the last couple of weeks, if not longer. Except to help a friend fix his car, help my dad put a for rent sign in the yard of the house we finished remodeling, and check up on the house Habitat for Humanity is building for my family.
I also visited an old friend who I started talking to for the first time since high school. Man, did I mess that up. She was one of the closest friends I had.. We were getting close back in high school. Could have had a relationship going. But I withdrew for some odd reason. I don't know what I was thinking.. Anyways, we met up the other day.. After walking up to each other, she said "You look different." I don't know how anyone else would take that.. But I didn't take it in a good way, didn't say anything about it....for a while. It was awkward, to say the least. I didn't know what to say. I ended up asking, "So, when you said I look different.. Did you mean that in a good or bad way.?" Who the **** asks something like that? I'm so stupid.. She came to my town, so I knew I would have to think of something to do.. What did I suggest..? "We could go to the river?" At 8:00 at night..? I felt stupid right after saying that, and after she said okay. Walked around in the dark by the river barely saying anything.. Who would want to hang out with someone like me after that..?
I have trouble with that though.. Anything I say to someone, or anything I do..I feel like I'm messing it up. Doing it wrong. I can't manage to work anymore. I worry about doing something wrong, people judging the way I am doing something. Looking stupid. I can't hold a conversation..especially if there is someone there other than the one I am talking to. I'm afraid of what they are thinking, or what they will say about it once I leave. I want to have conversations, but once I'm in one...I want to be left alone since I'm not sure what to say. It seems like everyone talks to me about the same thing...games. They think it's all I do. Well, it is to an extent..but I feel like a really boring person when the only time people ask me to hang out is if games are involved or they want me to bring a game/my xbox over.. I wish I could express my feelings, my thoughts..but I can't. I've tried, and it only leads to more pain.. I was feeling suicidal for a while, talked to a friend about it...big mistake. I can't share with anyone..not if I want them in my life.
I hate talking about myself anyways, although it's all I seem to do on here. Don't get me wrong, I want to help others. More so than I want to help myself. I read people's posts..even type out a reply. But I can't bring myself to post it. I hate it..why can't I stop being so focused on my problems? Am I selfish..? Self-centered? I really don't know. I want to give up.. I don't think I would ever commit suicide, but I won't deny thinking about it quite a lot. Some days more than others. I feel like I'm losing everyone, and I know that it's my own fault. I won't get off my lazy *** and do something about it. I lay here and hope it will get better..but I know it won't. I need....I HAVE to change. For my family, for my friends, for myself.. I have to wake up from this dream I've been stuck in. That is easy enough to say...to actually do..? I can't see myself getting better. I live my life day by day. I don't like making plans, because I never know how ****** I will feel that day.
I wish people could understand why I am the why I am.. I often wonder how awful of a person I seem like to everyone else.. Everyone calls me mellow, chill, quiet, patient.. Everytime I was done hanging out with a friend..I would come home and think about what I did wrong. I've had a friend, who's more like a brother to me, since 4th grade..and I can't even hang out with him anymore without the constant worrying about what he's thinking. I constantly watch how people act when I talk, if that makes sense. If they seem bored, annoyed, or laugh when I'm not meaning to be funny..I 'shut down' and won't talk. Eye contact is also a big thing for me.. I can't do it..I wish I knew why. I know my self-esteem is complete ****.. I've worn the same beanie for 2 years or more (of course I have washed it). Just about everytime I leave home, sometimes even while at home, I have it on. I'm wearing it now.. Why? No idea. I wish I knew. I hate my forehead, face, everything. Maybe it's just to hide it? I don't like wearing it, but I hate not wearing it..
I don't know what to do.. I want help..but socializing is not my strong suit, to say the least. I can't make phone calls to strangers, rarely even to friends and family. Going to stores, going through the drive thru, sitting at a park..anything public place..I can barely stay calm. I feel everyone's eyes locked on me when I walk in. If someone laughs, I assume it's directed at me. If I make eye contact with anyone, I think they were staring at me. After I pass them, I figure they are talking bad about me. I feel so clumsy in public. I walk fast, and with a stiff posture. I try to fix it, but I can't.

That was way too long.. I could go on and on, but I won't. I posted this wondering if I might have AvPD..and it turned into a rant/vent post. I don't blame anyone if they stopped reading. If you actually read it, I'm afraid of what you think of me now. I sounded stupid.. I can't believe I'm actually posting this..