just a person!...definitely nothing superhuman!
what the hell is going on? I've only been sober for a few minutes this entire week...or is it three weeks?...closer to three weeks.

...just as I've put all the empty beer bottles back in their box....it seems new ones suddenly re-appear...all empty....and I put them away so gently terrified by the "clink" sound they make...and it's impossible not to clink them...

those few minutes when I'm sober I feel like I'm cleaning up after a stranger...and even the house was unbelievably immaculate when the real estate agents came for routine inspection on wednesday...I think it was wednesday?

but something has rocked me ...!....to continue to take such risks with my body...strange goings on inside from all the alcohol ....and especially my mind...! ...in a permanent state of horror and regret...such is the effect I know it so well.

and refusing to eat because food will dilute the alcohol?...wtf?...until it's desperate hunger and the cooking things and the urgency at 4 in the morning...or was it 5...or 3am...and even more bizarre knowing this was gonna happen and finding things I bought in preparation for the experience.

...and with bipolar and borderline the self medicating is instinctive.

something goes really wrong inside and I don't know?
the bottles just keep piling up...I'm not a man I'm a worm...
blind and underground

I don't know if my optimism is a survival thing or just foolish?
I can't fall apart I think I just want to... something rocks me I'm so distant
all the time and only I know this.

...no matter what I do I just cannot fall apart....surely it's less painfull than 'keeping it together'

...and the bottles just keep piling up