I'm so busy reading all your threads that I forgot to check in myself . lol

I did not go to my meeting today. I did go yesterday, though and this guy who led shared for 20 minutes and I got mad at him. I didn't act on my feelings, but what went thru my head was terrible: "He shares for 20 minutes, there are 6 ppl in here, we are having a hard time too and he's just going on and on with his gd drunklog!"

I felt guilty about my thoughts. Halfway thru the meeting, I had to take a time out and call Ani. He told me to stay after the meeting and talk to someone and I did.

I told her how I felt. I did not act angry or mean, but I told her, "When someone shares that long, I feel like we are being cheated out of a meeting. There were only 6 of us here and we all could have had a chance to share."

But that old guilt; "Don't talk about your problems" was in me.

I do plan to continue going to it next week. Not running, sitting in my feelings and consequences.

I was even planning on going today.

Then today, I got a bill from the lab on my blood work they did last week and I have Medicare and Medicaid combination, which meant I did not have to pay for it.

The lady I talked to on the phone said I had no insurance. She sounded like I was goofing off on Medicare, too, if my Medicare was not on her system and that also freaked me out.

I panicked so badly that I almost passed out. I was scared even to tell her my MC number for fear of her saying, "Sorry, nothing here." and her attitude, her cold-hearted, "insurance/billing person" personality. so unfeeling.

I am very frustrated with my continueing symptoms. Got madder at myself than at her.

I called their patient hotline and told them that since this dr's office was treating me for anxiety that it felt contraindictive for them to send me a bill and then not even bill Medicare or have my info correct when *the first q they ask me when I make an appt is "what insurance do you have?"*!

I felt exhausted and evil for the rest of the day.

I hate bpd, I hate anxiety, I hate mental illness.

I don't have a solution to sh are tonight. Except I am stubbornly living and not giving up. I know this will pass; a lot of stuff has before.

Carol