Before I even had time to actually wake up my mom must have decided that today was a good day to have her tantrum. Well must be time for it cause we had an awesome day planned out, and what is awesome with out some awful?

I came downstairs and and she couldn't find her boots, so I told her they were at the back door and I proceeded to go and get them for her. I sat them down by her and again she asked where her boots were, so I very jokingly said " oh your are right, you are deaf" My mom has been joking about being deaf for years. Well I didn't even see it coming, she angrily put her boots on, walked past my children and out the front door, she slammed the door so hard the neighbours car alarm went off. So I went out after her in my socks in the snow ( YAY it did snow...) and tried to get her to talk to me, she wouldn't even turn around or stop walking, finally she turned around and said " Just leave ME ALONE!!!"... um k.

Uggh.. upon her return things were ick. I actually managed to stay calm, not take it personal, not be hurt, cry, or anything. I did tell her we needed to talk, she would not. Finally she did and of course it's all my fault. After a few minutes she said " Maybe I am just a *****", to that I said.." maybe you are sometimes". OMG after all the hell I have put up with from her throughout my 34 years I have never said anything like that to her.. Ever.

After that I just said " so are we going snowshoeing or are we not going?" She managed to pull her self together a bit and we went, it was a little awkward, but it was ok.. we even had fun. And the scenery was magnificent. Ok so she has not changed maybe.. but maybe I have? At least I will find some peace in myself, what else can I even do? I mean it does hurt.. it's hurts that I love her and yet being near her is like a very scary circus show.. where the audience is sure to get injured. It hurts that no matter how many years I try to be a good daughter... I am not sure if she actually loves me at all. Does she know what love is tho? Honestly I don't think she does. I can sort out how to feel about that eventually.



Making someone trudge through this for 6 kilometers with spacey snowshoes on may not be the worst thing you could do to them. She did seem to enjoy the peace and beauty, the quiet stillness of it all.. life just being as it is.

I am not so mean.. I did take her for tube rides downhill afterwards . It was cold, windy, snowing, foggy... a bit harsh weather wise. I made sure to let her know how great she did, my mom is not active at all and struggles with weight, and self esteem very much so. She did not even take a break.. she just powered herself right through it even tho I could tell it was hard for her.. it was a lot of up hill. I can only wonder if she took that same approach to finding peace within herself what might happen. That is where I find sadness in this whole thing.

Sorry for the long post.. I know I don't know how to say little with few words.. sorry guys.

Awesome thing.. I saw a weasel!!!!! Well I don't really know what it was. Looked like a ferret except it was all white with a black tip on the tail. It was amazing watching this interesting creature, bobbing about the snow, diving head first down into it and coming back up head first. Always head first.. interesting. I really wanted to see some wild life today.. I got the weasel. I am gonna try to figure that one out. After I figure out exactly what it was..