my mother had a thing for sexual shame.
she used to make me stand outside naked.
at 7 years old, this affected my personality development severely.
she didn't care who she did this in front of. I still have childhood friends who love to remind me of it. it was almost 40 years ago but I'm still affected by it.
I wasn't accepted with clothes or without clothes, just rejected. just laughed at and mocked. everyone I know has power over me because they knew what I look like naked. they also talked about it openly in front of me caring about my embarrassment and shame.

1 of the ways I began coping with this was to "mimic" other people's personalities. I still do it to this day.
I'm in the way they talked, walked, their clothes...etc... I always mimic the most socially accepted person. it didn't matter if the person with male or female.. I am a man that is made up of both male and female personality traits, mannerisms and emotions.
I catch myself thinking if I can just be like that man I can have a girlfriend like he has because I like the way I see her treating him.
I also catch myself thinking if I can be like her I will always have an inner nurturer.
ultimately though I never get to really know who I am or who I would have been if the need for that coping strategy didn't exist.

I would also try to make myself as ugly as possible tp cope with the effects of the sexual abuse.
I didn't go through puberty until I was 20. however girls were interested in me before then. because I didn't wanna end up in a sexual situation with any of the girls and risk them finding out that I had not gone through puberty yet, I would make myself look ugly.
Once i did reach puberty at 20 years old I celebrated that I become a man. whatever that was.
I realize all the hard work I put into making myself look ugly actually paid off. I was in fact ugly.
I'm 46 years old and I still hate looking in the mirror.
there are ways that I cope with that.
coping begets coping begets coping

GB