I think after trying so many years to get her to change I have realized it is absolutely futile... tho I am not really ready to pull the plug on that either. I'll hold onto hope for that but only try to show by example. Maybe she will see it one day. It's very hard for me to accept that she will have had a miserable childhood, miserable young adulthood, miserable middle age, miserable old age... miserable life, because I know there is a lot more to life than being miserable. It's painful and sad for me to think of people living like this.

Because I was raised as her surrogate spouse it's taken me a long time to rectify the feelings of feeling guilty or responsible for her life. Silly maybe but it's really taken it's tole on me.. and this is where my sisters and I disconnect. We didn't share this experience and they never understood how much this effected me.. They always see me as momma's favorite, don't understand the heavy burden it was.

When I was 4 I already was trying to console my mother when my dad cheated on her, I knew every detail of their marriage, of my mothers childhood, being raped by her brother, my grandmother molesting them,my grandfather doing the same.. I knew every detail and my mother would come to me for support, like a child that age would know how to be the adult in this. When my mom came home from hospital I was the one that had to miss school for two months to take care of her. Every fight her and my dad had she would come to me. I would try to meet her needs and support her best I could. No freaking wonder when she abandoned me it did such a number on me. Growing up with so much emotional incest and then just be dropped... leaves your soul feeling used. All of this left my father hating me. I will always remember when I was 10 and riding in the car with my father and he said " you know you are you mothers favorite.. but I have NEVER liked you." That's all he said, then we just rode in silence.

So not only was I used by one parent, I was also hated for it by the other parent. And when they both decided to leave.. I am pretty sure it crusified my soul and being. My sisters resented it and me.. what a lonely place to be, and I didn't choose to be put there. Pretty sure no one had this intention, just trying to accept the road I have been placed on.

So... thank you Trippin and Christina, thank you validating that I have changed and progressed.. pretty sure I am not going to get that anywhere else. It's so important to me, I have tried to find my own place in life for long. Hearing people I respect and hold dear say yes you have changed means so much to me. I know I should be happy enough to just validate it myself, and I can. I certainly don't want to fall into the trap of leaning on others too much, but it's pretty nice to hear it.

I am a bit emo this morning ... haha sorry for the long emo posts..

I looked up the weasel and symbology, pretty fitting I think. I'll listen and watch the weasel for a while.