Hello, I just turned 18. and male. I Was Sexually Threatened and Abused over 20 times by a 25 year old guy who was a friends cousin when i was 13,

he made me drink alcohol before he did anything to me. and it did stop a few months later after i tried to over dose on tylonal and being hospitalized for 3 days, but i never told anyone about him i was to scared and embarrassed to, so i just kept it in. after he stopped i continued to drink, i was almost 14 at this time i was drinking about 70 shots a week. from another friends brother who would buy it for me.

i was a freshmen in h-school and i would come to school after drinking a pint or skip school. and started to become angry at everyone and cuss people out online and in person for no reason, so i started to lose all my friends i was still drinking everyday, but now i was about half way threw h-school failing almost all my classes i started to getting caught drunk. and my parents pulled me out. to put me in a alternative school i was about 14 and a half at this point but the waiting list was about 8 months so i just stayed at home all day drinking, but at this point it did not really help so i would start to plan ways to die.

the easiest way i thought was to overdose, so i did i mixed a bunch of pills with alcohol and ended up in the hospital this time i told them i wanted to die so they sent me to a mental hospital i was there for about 7 days they put me on ssir antidepressants but they didn't really make me feel any different. when i got out, i just felt worse and wanted to go drink but at this time my friends would not talk to me or get me alcohol, so i was clean for about a couple months i am about 3 months into being 15 now.

But i could not handle being sober so i Googled ways to get drunk. and i saw mouthwash, so i tried it it got me a little drunk but i did not like the bathroom vistes it caused me. so i kept looking and came across a bottle of hand sanitizer and saw that it had alcohol in it. so i googled how to drink it and it came up with the salt method were it makes the gel into a liquid, so i tried it and it tasted horrible but it got me wasted i loved that feeling again, so i continued to drink that the get by i drank about 150 8oz bottles up tell i was 16. my parents knew and tried to make me stop but i would ride my bike at night and steal it or buy it.

i am 16 now i really didn't feel at this point all i wanted to do was get drunk. but at this point i would get drunk and get really depressed when i got drunk and try to kill myself threw 14 - 17 i was hospitalized by me overdosing. (i drank 750 ml rubbing alcohol twice) i took alot of welbutrin and alcohol) (a bottle of allergy pills and alcohol) (just overdose on alcohol) i was in 3 different mental hospitals for about a week at a time. 8 different times) i was put on like 11 different anti depressants and other medicine threw this but nothing worked. i was about 16 and a half now and still drinking hand sanitizer but this time i was caught by the police and got a mip and court date. got on probation violated it right at first by drinking when to juvie for a week. some ups and down after the 3rd juvie vist.

my probation made me go to a counselor and stuff and i finnaly told my counsler about that guy who abused me, and they told my parents and my parents called the police. it took about a month but a investigation was opened and they looked him up did some research and we did a phone call to him with the police recording him to confess or say he did it, he answered he did not confess perfectly that he did but it hinted in a way to get him in jail for a felony trial. the trail took about 3 months i had to go in front of a judge and give my testimony. they pressed him into getting a plea bargain of 2 years min and 10 years max. instead of going to trail sense there was no real evidence that he did it. but he is in prison now.

i am 17 now going threw probation by a level up system. my counselor went with me to get a job at tacobell i got the job, i only drank like one time every two weeks at this point, but i started working it was stressful at first but i only worked like 7 hours a week to start. it was hard but i finally stopped drinking at this point. i finished probation and graduated hschool barley from a online program threw the school.

I just turned 18 recently. i have not drank alcohol in 9 months. i still have my job at tacobell, and live at home. i am working about 30 hours a week just as of 3 weeks ago. but my parents are tried of me and are kicking me out in 2 months and have a date that i will have to leave by.

but right now i always feel nervous about everything. i can not handle barley any stress or i feel like and some times do break down crying when stressed or get very depressive thoughts. i don't have any friends really i just stay home i feel scared to go out and talk to any one i feel they are judging me. i don't have any interest in anything really i don't know what i want to do with my life i feel like i can not do it i contently worried about everything i feel like there is something wrong with me and i don't fit in anywhere. and i don't care about my future really or care about myself. the only way i can go out to work or to a store is if i drink alot of caffeine with some sort legal energy supplements i take. i also been prescribed Gabapentin for about a year its the only medicine i take. i take 800mg 4x a day. they don't really work anymore. i can not talk to new people.

i am even afraid to talk to people i don't know on facebook i get this bad feeling inside when i try so i stop and don't. i have no friends half the people at work do not like me. i even feel horrible in the morning when i wake up really nerves and uneven when i wake up. alot of legal stimulants give me the push to handle work. if i don't use any i just feel like giving up and just walking out over and over in my head and i have before. i do not have a plan for my future its like i don't care and can not push myself into making one if i do i get scared about it and stop. and every time i had a plan for anything i contently think about it and worried about it. even if it is something i would enjoy that makes it worse,
when a plan falls threw that i was really looking forward to i get a bad feeling and feel like its the end of the world and feel like crying. and get negative thoughts about my life . any little stress can make me think about killing myself.

right now i really do not know who i am or what i am going to do i get scared about everything. what is wrong with meeee