What a HUGE burden you have been carrying alone!Its good that you have come here to tell your story... and I hope you can find a way to forgive yourself for doing what you had to do to surivive.

It is natural to defend yourself when threatened,and I'm happy you were able to protect yourself from an attacker. It is his own fault that things ended up the way they did.

You started out trying to help him and he took advantage of that... .I'm sorry you have had to deal with it all without anyone to talk to.

Keep talking.. share as much as you are able... take it in small steps... you can find a way to heal from this.We are here for you and you are safe.

I personally think you are very brave and strong to have endured this. It will get better.. and you are not alone.

Peace...