Sometimes I just feel lost.. not knowing what to think or how to feel or waht to say or how to act. Alot of the time I go through the days in a daze... just existing but no feeling.

Sometimes I am not sure what feelings are real and what feelings are pretense... having pretended for so long i am not always sure when I am pretending now.

I feel as if I a shut down... not functioning and not making any sense of anything. I can easily come here and reach out to others in pain. I can find the words and I have the ability to feel for others.. yet I can't apply it to ME.I can't even seem to acknowledge that I have pain.

I go through stages of mood swings that I cannot control.. I get snappy and irrate for no reason, the smallest things setting me off and causing me to be sarcastic and even hateful towards those i love.

Other times I find myself feeling as I did when my Gram died.. such grief that I cannot stop crying but I really can't put a finger on why I am in this mood either.

I am in therapay but I am not very good at talking about what I wnet through growing up. I have pout it away so dep within me that I can't sem to dig down and find it.I have flashbacks and memories but I don't know really how to acknowledge them as being real.

Sometimes I feel like I have it all together and I am dealing well adn life is good.. but then I feel like that is a big fat lie.. I feel like I am one big messed up woman. And the abuse and how it affected me.

I am really just trying to talk it out here.. this minute...I feel like a fraud.. I feel like I present myself as a strong woman that can handle anything that comes my way. When in fact I am a frightened little girl who needs to be held and comforted and understood..a helpless little girl who is lost and alone and so very very sad..

Thank for listening...