One of the things my T said to me that really sunk in was when he said, observe, allow yourself to observe. And when he said that I had just entered his office completely overwhelmed and exhausted. I was so exhausted that I didn't even know if I was going to have the strength to drive home after the session.

That is when he told me to pay attention to my body and how I was feeling and he had me close my eyes and he directed me to think about the chalk board in my mind.
He told me to write the numbers and erase them and he counted down. When he was finished and asked me to open my eyes, I actually did feel more relaxed and at ease.
That is when he talked about how I have to learn how to pay attention, observe my own body and help myself get rid of the cortizol build up in my system that was draining me so much.

And we also talked about "observing" others, trying to allow myself to observe more verses just "reacting". That session is what helped me get through that hospital visit when my father fell very ill and I had to be around my sister. I was worried because I had not even been able to hear my sister's voice without having my brain just shut down and I literally became incapable of thinking straight. I was so completely confused by that and I could not understand why I managed to do fine around her most of my life and now I would end up having flashbacks and become full of confusing emotions, so much so that I could not even function.

I did not know what to expect when I entered that hospital. The last time I had been in that hospital my mother had a stroke and I had witnessed it and called for help and my sister was very mean to me, blamed me, and even the nurses/staff felt bad for me. And it turned out that it was a mild stroke but because I was with her and acted on what I saw, and they did a cat scan they were able to see that she had experienced a previous stroke that left damage. That sent them on a path of a whole new treatment plan and a better understanding of why my mother was struggling to walk and why she was behaving so strangly as well. The stroke she had suffered previously did some damage to the part of her brain where her motor skills were.

After I experienced that situation, I could no longer visit my parents, nor could I be around my sister or even hear her voice. My own mind only ended up recalling so many times in my life where my sister had control over me, it goes all the way back to when I was just a baby and that began a series of flashbacks that were so challenging and I became so incapacitated and lost.

I didn't have the therapist I have now at the time either, all I had was PC. My entire family was thousands of miles away from having any capacity to understand what I was experiencing. At the same time I was dealing with an attorney that was old, forgetful and constantly forgetting scheduled depositons. I was trying to work in my business because I had so much debt and I had to have a way to feed my horses and ponies. The only place I could even think like "me" at all was PC. Honestly, I was trying so hard to find "me". And any wordage that came at me that sounded like my sister completely incapacitated me.

However, at the same time whenever I was triggered, I tapped away and words came out of me that meant things, things that talked about the years of damage I struggled with and just "absorbed" without realizing it. And everytime that happened I learned things about myself and how much I was hurt in my life in ways I just never realized somehow.

There were times last year that I struggled so much that I had some very dangerous thoughts. And there was a thread that came up that touched on this part of PTSD in PC. And it helped me so much because I began to realize that this was a part of the PTSD that was challenging me and from that I began to realize that when I had those very dangerous thoughts, they would come in strong and then pass.

And those days did come and I was very alone with them and it was a lot of work for me to hang on through them too. None of my family realized how hard I had to work through these days. I did try to tell my husband, however, he just didn't hear me and I knew that because inspite of me talking about it, he continued to leave a loaded handgun in the night stand next to our bed. And for a while I didnt' tell my new therapist, I almost wanted it there because I didn't know if I was going to be able to keep on going with this PTSD going on in my brain. I didn't know if it was going to get so bad that I would not be able to function anymore.

I finally did tell my therapist and that is when he demanded to meet with my husband and talk to him about how bad I really was, that I was really struggling and that PTSD is real and he better stop punishing me for something I could not help. And that made such a big difference to me, because finally, finally, someone was listening to me and BELIEVING ME.

I come here alot and I do try to be here, because I know how lonely it is to struggle with PTSD. I have come a long way since last year, so I know that a person can make progress and gain on it.

When someone says they are very tired, their mind is worn out, they struggle to find a way to think clearly, and they wonder how they are going to make it through that day, or tomarrow, or move forward at all somehow, I know exactly where they are.
My constant answer is to "self care" and be patient and even though it is often such a challenge, you "can" keep making progress.

I started this thread about boundaries because that is a big challenge to people who struggle with PTSD. And it does take time to slowly learn about how to manage your own boundaries. And it is ok to observe yourself, observe others and open up to learning about how to move forward instead of feeling so lost with it.

I had to learn how to be able to see my family members differently myself. It has been a challenge to figure out how to move forward in a way that was different from the way I had managed before when I had "victim mentality" that I didn't understand or realize I had. Not everything I did to manage was bad either. I just have had to learn to look at it in a new way. And I know it isn't easy to really "see" other people in this new way. And yes, it can be really "sad" sometimes too.

The goal is to learn how to finally "see" yourself in this picture. To finally take the time to address your own needs and learn how to give yourself permission to figure out what "you" need and to work on taking the steps to help yourself "get to the kind of life that works best for "you".

This leap that I am working on myself, the leap to "self empowerment" takes time and it doesn't "just happen overnight" either. It is about understanding how you have practiced "victim mentality" and how to finally learn to begin to give yourself permission to finally look at yourself in a new way. And in the beginning of this journey, there will be times of grieving and yet finding a new inner strength to finally allow "self" to rise above it a little at a time.

When I am now around my sister, I do observe and it isn't easy to allow myself to see what I am finally seeing. I am also seeing how I used to fit into the disfunction that took place in my own family. And in that I have to understand that these people are making their own choices and often they do not realize how they confine themselves in some very "unhealthy ways".

And in the mix of my seeing things this way, I am slowly learning how to help myself in different ways "away from the role" I had played in this before. However, I do have to interact with them in ways that they understand, only this time, I am seeing this interacting in a different light then before. And yes, it is often "sad" for me to see the reality of it. But at the same time I am also learning how to "see me" and work on giving myself permission to do what "I" need to do to help "me" and "my mental health". And as I am working on this process, I still have times where I struggle and feel exhausted etc. But at least I am allowing myself to head in a healthier direction. It is going to take me time to gain more personal strength and balance with this process. However, I realize that I am heading in the right direction.

I am trying to help others see this process too, and understand that they have to be patient and it is a challenge, but to keep trying and practicing "self soothing and self care" with each challenging step forward.

((Rose)), when I read your posts of weariness, I know that feeling intimately myself. I just want to tell you that I do understand and to give yourself some space and time to slowly figure this all out. All you are doing right now is just finding a way to be stable until you can get to the next step. You are not giving in Rose, so please don't let your mind spin in that direction. What you have to slowly allow yourself to see is that you can't change other people, you have to see them for who they are and work on "yourself". Sometimes we are not in a position to just "run" and get away from "disfunctional people". And it is easy for others to tell us to do just that. Sometimes we have to "placate" a little until we can figure out or plan our path forward. And you can actually use this experience to learn as well. You can always have whatever you do learn from this to help you in the future. Yes, sometimes we fall into a snake pit and we don't always see it at first, this happens to people all the time, from all walks of life Rose. And yes, that is when you have to know how to be a "snake charmer" to buy you time to climb out of that pit. No, it isn't pleasant and it would be so much nicer if we could just be our honest caring selves and make progress that way. Unfortunately that just isn't the way some people are when we encounter them, they are just "toxic" and we have to learn how to deal with that.

Open Eyes