I had therapy last school year at my university through the school health center, and am worried about starting it up again this coming semester. I needed counseling last year out of fear of losing my mind after a drug experience. Therapy somewhat helped me. While not really tackling any specific issues or solving any problems, it made me feel better that someone could listen and not think I have a messed up mind. However, therapy left me feeling horrible after, and still does, after termination which was about 8 months ago. I developed intense transference for my female therapist, which led to nonstop sexual fantasies about her, and compulsively trying to look her up online (which yielded no results). It all left me devastated when she told me we could not keep in contact.

I have a long list of things I need to have examined. Sometimes I feel like I don't need it and I'll be fine, but other moments, when I'll have an episode, I will feel desperate for help. Not to be too specific, but some of the issues I need to talk to someone about are:
-depression
-loneliness
-fear of having psychosis
-panic attacks
-insecurity regarding appearance
-insecurity regarding my status as a virgin
-insecurity regarding my aspirations
-social anxiety
-exploding head syndrome
-laughing disorder (cannot help but laugh in the most inappropriate of moments. In serious moments my mind will be flooded with perverse and vulgar humor, which causes me to laugh uncontrollably, thus leaving me humiliated. Trying to suppress it only makes it worse.
-OCD
-intense self-pressure to use psychedelic drugs
etc...

I have requested a male therapist, and I just wonder if this will be respected. It is not because I do not want a female therapist, it is because I don't want to risk transference again. With my past therapist, the sessions for me became more about impressing her and getting her to like me, than me actually seeking help. I want to focus on my issues. I have some pretty big doubts though. My last therapist was a post-doc student, and I know counseling me was part of her work experience, and that just made me feel like I was being used. It felt like I was just her homework project, and that she was only helping me so she could get her degree and move up in her career. It just feels weird as a student, to open up emotionally to another student, who is just seeing me as part of their school curriculum. Like "Oh! He is exhibiting *this psychology term!* I can write about this in my cover letter to my doctoral adviser!" For this reason I feel uneasy about getting help at my school, because I know many of the counselors there are just graduate students who need experience.
Also, I have an intense fear of making my counselor feel uncomfortable or disturbed by some thoughts of mine that really need to be addressed. I suppressed a lot of my issues with my past therapist for fear of weirding her out. Another big thing that happened with therapy last year was that I started to absolutely DREAD going to it. It wasn't that I hated it, it was just that it would make me really nervous. Like in class, having my session when I got out, just not being able to concentrate on my work, just thinking about what I'm going to say in therapy, or what I might open up about. I hated the anxiety that captivated me prior to therapy...

So that's all for now. Just my concerns with getting a therapist for next semester.