I did as you asked and wrote to Doug. I sent you both my letter and his response. Clearly, the man is willing to give me more love over this than I'm willing to give myself. You all have. That blows me away, because I've hated myself with a passion for years, for everything. Hating the doctors and my parents to a man while "knowing" that the right thing to do was hate myself.

And this I have done, by constantly attacking myself for things that happened in childhood, over and over again. Replaying everything I did wrong as a child.

I even hate myself for going into hysterics at age 8 at summer camp over someone dressed as Darth Vader!

And that pretty much applies to the rest of my life too. No wonder I'm blocking everything out. I'd probably find some creative way to attack myself with it!

Doug wants me to treat myself with reverence, respect and love, even after this. The man's a philosophy teacher and a formidable force not to be messed with. He's held off six people at once in very ugly debates (I'll tell you about it in PM if you ask.) Yet he has been very supportive, it just takes him a while to reply.

And during the delay, the questions start: "Have I offended him? Have I scared him off? What have I done now?"