I will be 40 in a week. Ten years ago I was in a therapists office describing my problems with myself and he said that I needed to try and fix them so that Im not 40 and thinking the same things. Well here I am. I am forcing myself to not make it a big deal. For me, its not he age so much as the narrowing of the window. Never had a long term relationship, not even close. Have come to a hopeless attitude that my future holds the same mundane routine and that my existence is going to seem more and more comical or weird to people the longer I stay this way. I hate it, but I don't have the skills to fix it. Ive gone through this pattern of self hatred for the better part of 20 years. My whole young adulthood.

I get overwhelmed with memories now. Thinking back to random moments from 12, 20, 30 years ago depresses me simply because the amount of moments are too much for me to handle. Its like Ive been around too long.

This isn;t making much sense and I haven;t been able to articulate this very well to my therapist. Its a numbness and despair and a feeling of being small.

I appreciate any thoughts or even if you just read this. I know my situation isn't the most difficult by any means. It just feels like a life-long puzzle that i haven't figured out yet. Not even close. Thanks for your attention.