I'm a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend, an athlete, a student, a Muslim and I'm bipolar. But which of them defines me more than the rest?

From 2007 to the spring of 2011 it was bipolar. I was a mentally ill teenager more than I was anything else.

Then I suddenly became really religious and mystical I don't know if it was a manifestation of my hypomania or true enlightenment, but either way it felt amazing. I felt really close to God and I had the belief that anything other than doing what He wants is unimportant. This was when I stopped taking my meds and no serious problem occured. It went on for about a year.

Then came the London Olympics and being an athlete, I got slightly carried away watching the games. I'm a karateka. Been training for 5 years. Got my black belt in July. There's a great chance that karate will be included in the 2020 Olympics and I decided that I wanted to be there. I was determined. I worked out at the gym in the mornings and practiced my techniques and forms in the afternoons. I had unlimited energy, I had an ambitious goal, I was hopeful and optimistic to the point of foolishness.

But somewhere all of this changed.

I don't even know how it happened. I was in the gym, doing squats when I became tearful without any apparent reason. I went on with my workout, crying silently. My friend asked what was wrong, but I just shook my head.

I won't bore you with any more details, but that was the beginning of a relapse. I had a fortnight of mild to moderate depression, then a little hypomania, depression again, mixed episodes, hypomania, depression, a few hours of normal mood(!), hypomania and in short, one hell of roller coaster ride. There were times when I felt I was completely losing it. I didn't know which of the me's was me to use Kay Redfield Jamison's words. One day it all became too overwhelming and I went to see my pdoc after a year and a half. He prescribed all the old meds for me and I took them for one day! But then my mum talked me out of taking them, even though my sensei (karate teacher) insisted that I take them.

Now that I mentioned my Sensei, I think I need to provide an explanation about my relationship with her. She was great about it when I first told her about my illness four years ago. She was there for me whenever I needed her, whether it was advice I needed or just someone to listen. I used to SI then and I sometimes called her up when the urge was strong and I was trying to fight it. I was also suicidal at times. I actually attempted suicide an overall of 8 times (not proud of it!). After a while it became too much for her. I think it was some time in 2010. She said she was human and she could handle only so much. She said she didn't have anything new to tell me and I should try to manage on my own. It was a blow and a very painful one too, but I liked and respected her none the less for it. I no longer bothered her with my mental health issues. For about a year, she was only my karate teacher. But then I had that spiritual experience I told you about and I started to talk to her about my feelings again and she didn't mind. She's a fairly religious person herself and understood me to a degree. I was in England during the London Olympics. We emailed each other a lot. I would write and tell her about all the things I'd been doing. Once it suddenly occured to me that my emails were a little like Judy Abbot's letters to Daddy Long Legs and I told her this. I even addressed her "Dear Daddy Long Legs" when she didn't answer my emails for a couple of days and it's been a secret joke between us ever since I told her about my goal (2020 Olympics) in an email. She didn't take me very seriously at first, but I came back home and she saw how vigorously I was prepared to train and that changed her mind.

We got on really well for 2 or 3 months, both inside class and out. But my recent relapse put her on her guard again. I don't blame her. She has her own problems. She lives with her parents. Her mother is ill and has had a surgery. Her own brother is bipolar and her best friend has blood cancer. She has enough on her plate without extra servings from me! She told me it had been a mistake to quit my meds and that I need professional help. This shattered me. I had been trying to manage without meds. I didn't want to believe that I needed them. I still don't! Neither do my parents.

One of the worst parts of the whole thing is that karate doesn't feel as real as it used to anymore. I still turn up for class three times a week, but it's just like a habit. It was really important to me before, but I don't seem to care about anything now. And 2020 is so far away!

I feel awful. All dark and cold and empty. Everything seems pointless. I don't like this. I don't like it at all


Wow! Long post! Thanks if you actually read it through to the end